# General Mandolin Topics > General Mandolin Discussions >  Best Banjo joke I've heard in a while

## rfloyd

"What's your favorite pickup to put on a banjo?"  

"F-150"

Festival season's comin' up - anybody got any new ones?

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Austin Bob, 

Billy Packard, 

Petrus, 

Pick&Grin, 

Timbofood

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## T.D.Nydn

I like the one that was going around,,,what did the mandolin player do ,standing by the river minding their own business ,when a banjo player walks up and hands you their banjo?

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## Tobin

> Festival season's comin' up - anybody got any new ones?


When you see a banjo player tuning up, offer this: "I'd help you tune that banjo, but I left my wire clippers at home."

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## AlanN

> I like the one that was going around,,,what did the mandolin player do ,standing by the river minding their own business ,when a banjo player walks up and hands you their banjo?


I absolutely don't get this.

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june39

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## TonyP

My two favs are

How is a blind javelin thrower and a banjo player alike?

Nether has to be very good to get your attention.

Cop pulls over this car for speeding and he starts to walk up he see the I heart banjo sticker in the rear window. The driver rolls down the window and the cops says " do you have any ID?" The banjo player stares at him and says "bout what?"

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Carl Robin, 

JGWoods

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## barry

> I absolutely don't get this.


"For a clown fish, he's not very funny."

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## Eric C.

My favorite: "How do you know a banjo pickers at your front door?"
"He knocks too loud and comes in at the wrong time."

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## Rosemary Philips

> I absolutely don't get this.


I'm right there with you...

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## keithb

> I absolutely don't get this.


I think T.D. wants us to guess the punchline... I've got nothin'

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## Clinton Johnson

> I think T.D. wants us to guess the punchline... I've got nothin'


Could it be throw it in the river?

"A banjo player spends half their time tuning and the other half playing out of tune"....eh it's an oldie but goodie :Smile:

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## Joseph Baker

another old joke, but still one of my favorites:

What do you say to a banjo player in a 3 piece suit?
The defendant will now rise.

Joseph Baker

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Billy Packard, 

John Lloyd, 

stevedenver

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## David Kennedy

I hope the river wasn't frozen.

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## DHopkins

What do drummers and banjo pickers have in common?

They like to hang around with musicians.

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## Eddie Sheehy

The Bass player detuned one of my banjo strings and he won't tell me which one...

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Marty Jacobson, 

Traceyleezle

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## Kadmos

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?

No one cries when you cut up a banjo.



How can you tell if the stage is level? 
If the banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth. 


What do you see in the middle of the road before you see a dead skunk that you don't see before a crushed banjo?
Skid marks


"Doctor, doctor will I be able to play the banjo after the operation?"
"Lord, I hope not"

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Billy Packard, 

DataNick, 

Rush Burkhardt

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## jaycat

> I absolutely don't get this.


You can't throw a banjo in the same river twice?

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## T.D.Nydn

Well,i tried to tie it in with that thread about the "banjo throwing competition" in the Hudson river,,,but I guess a lot of people didn't read that,,or get it or whatever.

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## John Soper

Definition of perfect pitch:  When the banjo doesn't hit the side of the Demster Dumpster

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Billy Packard

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## Londy



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Joey Anchors

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## Petrus

> I absolutely don't get this.


Something to do with adjusting the "bridge" I was thinking ... but couldn't put it together.  Either a Zen master or a banjo player must've come up with that joke.  :Cool: 

_Banjo player: I've got a great knock-knock joke!
Mando player: Let's hear it!
Banjo player: You start._

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## journeybear

> I think T.D. wants us to guess the punchline... I've got nothin'


Heck, I think he wants us to guess the set-up, too.  :Confused:  I'm stumped. It's as if a banjo player were trying to write a joke.  :Whistling:  Anyway ...

If you throw a banjo, an accordion, a set of bagpipes, and a musical saw off the top of a building, which will hit the ground first?

Who cares, as long as they all do.

If you throw a banjo, an accordion, a set of bagpipes, and a musical saw off the top of a building, which will hit the ground last?

The banjo - it'll have to stop in the middle and retune.




> "A banjo player spends half their time tuning and the other half playing out of tune"


Hey now! That's supposed to be a _mandolin_ joke!  :Mad:  Banjos take all our leads; don't let them take our jokes, too!  :Laughing:

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Rush Burkhardt

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## k0k0peli

Q: What's worse than a banjo?
A: Two banjos.

Q: Why is a 5-string banjo better than a banjo-mandolin?
A: It burns longer.

Q: What do you call 1000 banjo pickers at the bottom of the sea?
A: A good start.

Q: How does a banjo picker count armadillos?
A: "One diller, and two dillers, and another diller, and another..."

Q: How many banjo pickers does it take to eat an armadillo?
A: Three. Two are needed to hold traffic.

Q: What's the difference between hearing a banjo solo and getting a root canal?
A: Good question.

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Billy Packard, 

DataNick, 

Ellen T, 

Joey Anchors, 

Rush Burkhardt, 

stevedenver

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## pianoman89

These are adapted from jokes about a stringed instrument that would be the orchestras counterpart to the banjo...

Whats the difference between a coffin and a banjo?

   ~the dead person is on the inside.

If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good banjo player, a bad banjo player or an oasis?

  ~ The bad banjo player. The other two are only figments of your imagination

What do you call a bunch of banjo players in a hot tub?

   ~Vegetable soup.

And one for the instrument these were really meant for:

Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants?

   ~They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.

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DataNick, 

DavidKOS

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## OldSausage

This reminds me, we're nearly out of Laffy Taffy.

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Joey Anchors, 

Timbofood

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## Ivan Kelsall

From TD's post - _"....when a banjo player walks up and hands you their banjo?"_.I reckon that the banjo player was about to take a very long,very deep dip in the river. As an aside to that point,when visiting Mammoth Caves National Park back in '92,& having stayed at the Hotel overnight,the following morning i took a walk down the path to Green River. I slipped on the greasy mud & slid down the bank & was only stopped from falling in by grabbing hold of a small tree growing out of the bank - i didn't have my banjo with me !. Please post any comments below, :Laughing: 
                                                                                                                                                       Ivan :Wink:

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T.D.Nydn

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## Richard58



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## Richard58



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Loretta Callahan, 

stevedenver

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## John Garcia

One of my favorite Far Side comics:

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DataNick, 

Timbofood, 

wooq

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## Don Grieser

Why are there no banjos on Star Wars?           Duh, it's the future.

What do you get when a banjo player sees his shadow?          6 more weeks of Foggy Mtn Breakdown.

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## T.D.Nydn

I don't appreciate some of these comments someone calling me a clown fish? Just because you didn't get what I was trying to say?go ahead,turn on your own,I have almost 50 years on the mandolin.zen master,perhaps,I am a okuden level(high position) Japanese swordsman among other things,,but I don't play the banjo......

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## farmerjones

> One of my favorite Far Side comics:


Indeed. If one is mean in life, one is handed a banjer at the gates of Haties. 
But if one is truly despicable, they hand you a Banguitar.  :Laughing:  :Crying:  :Disbelief:  :Laughing:

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stevedenver

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## FLATROCK HILL

> I like the one that was going around,,,what did the mandolin player do ,standing by the river minding their own business ,when a banjo player walks up and hands you their banjo?





> Well,i tried to tie it in with that thread about the "banjo throwing competition" in the Hudson river,,,but I guess a lot of people didn't read that,,or get it or whatever.





> I don't appreciate some of these comments someone calling me a clown fish? Just because you didn't get what I was trying to say?go ahead,turn on your own,I have almost 50 years on the mandolin.zen master,perhaps,I am a okuden level(high position) Japanese swordsman among other things,,but I don't play the banjo......


Hey T.D., I don't think anyone was trying to hurt your feelings. I gotta say though, that I'm among the ones that don't get the joke. 
Your first post sounded like a riddle, the 'question' part of a joke.

I'll admit that I'm not familiar with any Hudson River Banjo Throwing Contest. I'd still like to know the 'answer' part of the joke, even if I don't know the whole context.  

So...what's the punchline?  "I guess ya had to be there."? :Wink:

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## journeybear

> Why are there no banjos on Star Wars?           Duh, it's the future.


Well, then, the future is now. We have this guy busking here. Yes, it has lights built in. Pretty scary!  :Disbelief: 



T.D., some of those comments were guesses at a punch line, or attempts to understand what you were trying to say. The key phrase is "trying to say," which you yourself used. No try - do. You should know that if you have to explain a joke, it isn't very funny, or at best, it just isn't working. I've read your post several times, and it makes no sense to me. I suggest you rewrite it to make it clearer. Not trying to bust 'em, just trying to understand. Hey - we've got standards. They're pretty low, but we've got 'em.  :Wink: 

PS: Here's the story about the banjo throwing contest. It was into a canal, not the Hudson, by the way. There are laws protecting the river from pollution.  :Grin:

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## jaycat

> . . . I have almost 50 years on the mandolin......


That's a long sentence. Have you put in for parole?

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Ellen T, 

Petrus, 

Ronnie., 

Timbofood

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## Fred Keller

This one here is one of my faves, not only because it's funny but because you can really draw it out if you need to

 A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for fiddle player brain?"
"2 dollars an ounce."
"How much for mandolin player brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for guitar player brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for banjo player brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is banjo player brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many banjo players you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

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DataNick, 

David Rambo, 

DavidKOS, 

Ellen T, 

Joey Anchors, 

red7flag, 

Ronnie., 

stevedenver

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## T.D.Nydn

Telling jokes is not my forte.Ive never been very good at it for some reason.my stand up career did not last very long at all ,so can we just move on....

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## Petrus

> I am a okuden level(high position) Japanese swordsman among other things,,


Umm ... then I respectfully take back my jibe! We don't want any trouble here.  I need my head ... it's got my ears on it!   :Redface:

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## barry

> I don't appreciate some of these comments someone calling me a clown fish? Just because you didn't get what I was trying to say?go ahead,turn on your own,I have almost 50 years on the mandolin.zen master,perhaps,I am a okuden level(high position) Japanese swordsman among other things,,but I don't play the banjo......



I apologize.  It was a movie reference.  It was probably lost on anyone who did not have kids in the last 10 years.

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## Petrus

Steve Martin (banjo player and author, btw) used to do a bit back in his early stand-up comedy days where he'd take his act out into the street and do impromptu material on whoever happened to be passing by. The audience would follow him out of the club and tag along. Unfortunately as he became more popular it got to be unwieldy and unsafe but no one would believe him when he told them the show was over. They thought it was just part of the act.  "Really, it's over, you can go home now!"  But they'd keep following him!  It was hilarious and took him quite a while to drop that bit from his act.  :Laughing:

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## Toni Schula

A man comes to a pawn shop in San Francisco just to look around for interesting things. In the end he's been sold a dead rat. So he throws that dead rat over his shoulder and walks down the street. After a while he detects that a rat is following him. Then a second rat, then a third. From all the streets more and more rats come to follow him. So he gets frightened and starts to run. All the rats run after him. He comes down to Fisherman's Warf and throws the dead rat into the sea. All the other rats jump afterwards into the sea and drown. He hurries back to the pawn shop and shouts 'Do you have any banjos here?'

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Ellen T, 

Shortloin

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## OldSausage

> Why are there no banjos on Star Wars?           Duh, it's the future.


You have to be careful with this one. The punchline needs to  reference Star Trek instead since, as all banjo pickers know, Star Wars is set "*A long time ago* in a galaxy far, far away..."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Star_Wa...ning_crawl.jpg

Although, Star Trek: Voyager does contain a very subtle (though non-funny) joke actually made by picking a banjo:

http://www.banjohangout.org/blog/27408

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DataNick, 

DavidKOS, 

Timbofood

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## stevedenver

why is it called a toothbrush instead of a teeth brush?
because a banjo player invented it.

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DataNick

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## terzinator

> _Banjo player: I've got a great knock-knock joke!
> Mando player: Let's hear it!
> Banjo player: You start._


I kind of like this one.

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## DavidKOS

> You have to be careful with this one. The punchline needs to  reference Star Trek instead since, as all banjo pickers know, Star Wars is set "*A long time ago* in a galaxy far, far away..."
> 
> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Star_Wa...ning_crawl.jpg
> 
> Although, Star Trek: Voyager does contain a very subtle (though non-funny) joke actually made by picking a banjo:
> 
> http://www.banjohangout.org/blog/27408


Thanks for pointing that out.

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## JeffD

> I absolutely don't get this.


Most people worry about their possessions being stolen. Banjos are so horrible that you instead worry about random people giving you a banjo.

Its like the accordion player who stopped at a diner, leaving his accordion in the trunk of his car, and after dinner when he came out, yep, he found his car had been broken into and seven more accordions were in there.

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## journeybear

Welll ... I heard this as a banjo joke. And it's in the back seat, not the trunk, so it can be seen and thus incite the desired reaction from other banjo owners. No one would know it was in the trunk - well, if it got real hot in there and it were an accordion and it somehow started wheezing ...  :Confused: 

But have it your way ...  :Whistling:

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## Bill Snyder

WOW! JB is getting more pedantic than I am.  :Disbelief:

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Ellen T

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## journeybear

Didn't know it was a competition. I'll step aside. It's all yours.  :Whistling: 

But a joke has to make a certain amount of sense. The less head-scratching  :Confused:  on the part of the audience, the better.  :Wink:

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## Hudmister

:Smile: 


> I like the one that was going around,,,what did the mandolin player do ,standing by the river minding their own business ,when a banjo player walks up and hands you their banjo?


The mandolin player rightly assumes that the banjo player has to pee and needs both of his hands free. :Smile:

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journeybear

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## ilovemyF9

> I don't appreciate some of these comments someone calling me a clown fish? Just because you didn't get what I was trying to say?go ahead,turn on your own,I have almost 50 years on the mandolin.zen master,perhaps,I am a okuden level(high position) Japanese swordsman among other things,,but I don't play the banjo......


Chill T.D. - Nobody's perfect.............

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## journeybear

> The mandolin player rightly assumes that the banjo player has to pee and needs both of his hands free.


Reckon that'll do alright.  :Wink:

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Hudmister

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## barney 59

A man is standing on the edge of a very tall building when this banjo player comes along. The man on the edge says "Watch this!" and jumps off the roof -he falls 10 feet and suddenly floats back up and lands back up on the roof. "There's this incredible up draft here    you should try this it's really fun!" He has to demonstrate the effect about a half dozen times before the banjo player gives it a try and he immediately falls 50 stories to the pavement! A couple of winos are sitting at a door way down on the street. "There he goes again, that Superman sure does hate them banjo players!"

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Petrus, 

zedmando

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## Eddie Sheehy

Paddle faster... I can hear banjos...

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## journeybear

Yep!  :Grin:

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## Gan Ainm

Why did the Zen master study the banjo?
.
.
.
.
.



You have to work it out for yourself.

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## Gutbucket

What's the difference between a trampoline and a banjo?  It's lots more fun to jump on the banjo.

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bobcoe

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## OldSausage

Here is the complete list of 271 banjo jokes:

http://bluegrassbanjo.org/banjokes.html

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Bill Baldridge, 

MikeEdgerton

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## DataNick

I'm sure these are in the list that OS posted, just didn't want to do the whole read:

1. What do you call a good-looking lady walking down the street on the arm of a banjo player?
     A tatoo

2. What do you call a banjo player who just broke up with his girlfriend?
     Homeless

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## Petrus

> 2. What do you call a banjo player who just broke up with his girlfriend?  Homeless


I've actually heard this one replaced with "guitar player."  It's more a joke about the rock musician's lifestyle than the instrument itself.  (Like how the guitar used to be called the "starvation box" in some local parlance.)

BTW, for lurking banjophiles, be aware that many of the jokes in this thread can substitute "accordion," "bagpipes," and/or "viola" and have the same effect.    :Grin: 

BTBTW ... I finally finished building that minstrel banjo kit I sent away for.  It looks nice but it really is extremely soft.  I restrung the nylon strings with steel but it's still pretty quiet.  I think I don't have enough tension in the head or something.

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DataNick

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## Eddie Sheehy

Definitely soft in the head...

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GreenMTBoy, 

Timbofood

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## OldSausage

I'd like to make it clear, I didn't actually read the list I posted, and I would advise you to do the same.

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Bill Baldridge, 

DataNick, 

MikeEdgerton

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## chuck3

> I like the one that was going around,,,what did the mandolin player do ,standing by the river minding their own business ,when a banjo player walks up and hands you their banjo?


The mandolin player said "I understand ... it's over ... it's OK."

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Hudmister

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## Petrus

> Definitely soft in the head...


Lulz. Didn't catch that!  I stepped in that one.

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Eddie Sheehy

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## Ivan Kelsall

I like this one,
                  Ivan :Wink:

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Ellen T, 

Loretta Callahan, 

zedmando

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## Petrus

> I'd like to make it clear, I didn't actually read the list I posted, and I would advise you to do the same.


I thought so!  The International Banjo Joke Certification Society only lists 132 jokes on its canonical list.  (Then again they have very little tolerance for "multi-use" jokes which can be made to work with other instruments, which would greatly pad the list; this was a source of such controversy of course it resulted in a split a few years back and the creation of the Association of Banjo Jokes, which is much broader in its interpretation.)

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Bill Baldridge, 

Ellen T

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## John Flynn

Some more visual ones:

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Ivan Kelsall, 

Timbofood

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## DavidKOS

> I've actually heard this one replaced with "guitar player."  It's more a joke about the rock musician's lifestyle than the instrument itself.  
> .


I heard that as a drummer joke first.

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## stevedenver

then of course you heard about the banjo player that thought KY jelly was a marmalade from Kentucky........

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## Eddie Sheehy

I'm afraid there's nothin' new here...  Move along, folks...

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## journeybear

Yeah, this season's crop of jokes isn't quite up to our usual low standards.  :Frown:

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Bill Baldridge

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## zedmando

> I've actually heard this one replaced with "guitar player."  It's more a joke about the rock musician's lifestyle than the instrument itself.  (Like how the guitar used to be called the "starvation box" in some local parlance.)
> 
> BTW, for lurking banjophiles, be aware that many of the jokes in this thread can substitute "accordion," "bagpipes," and/or "viola" and have the same effect.


You can substitute any instrument in most of these jokes--but they're still funny.

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## Colin Lindsay

> You can substitute any instrument in most of these jokes--but they're still funny.


Excepting the hurdy-gurdy, which isnt funny under any circumstances.
In my house, its excruciating.

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## Ivan Kelsall

I like the one in the middle of John Flynn's post. Back in the late 1960's i was repairing banjos, & at one time i had 14 of the critters in my bedroom,
                   Ivan

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## Petrus

> Excepting the hurdy-gurdy, which isn’t funny under any circumstances. In my house, it’s excruciating.


Well you've never heard Matthias Loibner I guess!  Or Le Vent du Nord!

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## Petrus

> I'm afraid there's nothin' new here...  Move along, folks...


Ironically, many of us (incl. me) like the banjo.  I've been listening to Fleck's Bach album constantly for days now.

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## journeybear

> Well you've never heard Matthias Loibner I guess!  Or Le Vent du Nord!


If Colin is talking about having a hurdy-gurdy around the house, I'm sure he has. Repeatedly. I repeat, repeatedly. :Wink:  Too much of a good thing can get on one's nerves. Especially if it's being played by someone not on the same level as these musicians. I suspect that's the case here.  :Frown:

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## zedmando

> Excepting the hurdy-gurdy, which isnt funny under any circumstances.
> In my house, its excruciating.


So this would be excruciating?
What's the difference between a trampoline and a hurdy-gurdy? It's lots more fun to jump on the hurdy-gurdy.

Okay.

I kind of like the hurdy-gurdy.

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## Colin Lindsay

> Well you've never heard Matthias Loibner I guess!  Or Le Vent du Nord!


Yes I have, but thats not funny - its brilliant music!
The first time I played mine, my daughter walked the entire length of the house from her room, gave me a withering look and said: Never ever play that again. Then walked off. Its not an instrument to be timid with, as it cant be played quietly, but at volume it just sounds like a cat going through a mincer. Ill persevere. Just when Im alone, though  :Smile:

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## mrmando

Earl: You know who wrote the greatest banjo music ever? 
Merle: No. Who did, Earl? 
Earl: Mozart.
Merle: But Earl, Mozart never wrote no banjo music! 
Earl: Ain't that the truth!

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## Tobin

This was actually told to me by a banjo player at a jam.  Apparently it's an old joke, but I'd never heard it before.  Most of the humor is in the delivery.




> A few weeks ago, I took my banjo to the nursing home with a few other pickers to play for the old folks, since they really love that old-time music.  We played for an hour in the cafeteria after they had finished their lunch, and everyone seemed to enjoy it.  When we were packing up, one of the nurses asked me if I would mind playing a little for a patient who used to be a banjo player, but was bed-ridden and couldn't attend our session in the cafeteria.  
> 
> I told her I'd be pleased and honored to go to his room and play a little for him.  So we went down the hall to his room and I greeted him, but he was non-responsive.  I could tell he wasn't sleeping, but he just had a glassy look in his eyes.  So I picked a little on my banjo for him, but got no response.  I did a few more tunes, playing louder and faster, hoping it would elicit some response.  Still nothing, though.  After a little while, my fellow pickers came in and told me it was time for us to go.
> 
> Before I left, I leaned over to the man and said, "Take care, sir, I hope you get better."
> 
> He looked up at me and said, "Good Lord, I hope you do too."

----------

Bill Cameron, 

Randolph Millsap, 

Teak

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## Petrus

I love any kind of drone sound, like hurdy-gurdy and sitar and that sort of thing ... I can listen to it for hours, it's very meditative.  I went and mixed a cut of my mandolin improvizations (managing to evoke a vaguely Middle Eastern melody somehow) over an edit of the most droney portion of Loibner's hurdy-gurdy.  My TCOM is pushed to the left and right channels, with the drone in the middle:

https://soundcloud.com/thepetrosproj...loibnerdrone-c

I also did this with the drone portion of the Velvet Underground's "Venus in Furs."  I think this is a less successful mix.  (The VU track uses a sitar effects pedal, iirc, and John Cale's electric viola):

https://soundcloud.com/thepetrosproj...5lr-venusdrone

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stevedenver

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## Gan Ainm

Why did the Zen master study the banjo?
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .

Nope, That's not it.  Keep working.

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## Dan Co1e

A mandolin player walks into a biker bar, sits down and says, "So, anyone want to hear a banjo joke?"

The burly bartender says, "I'm a banjo player."

The Hell's Angel next to him says, "I play banjo."

The scarred up biker to his other side says, "These two are my sons and I play banjo."

The bartender says, "So, do you still want to tell that banjo joke?"

The mandolin player answers, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times."

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DavidKOS, 

journeybear, 

Loretta Callahan, 

Paul Kotapish, 

Petrus, 

stevedenver

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## JeffD

Did you know you can make a banjo player's car go faster by taking the pizza sign off the roof?

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## Eddie Sheehy

Two banjo players walked into a building... You'd think one of them would have seen it...

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DataNick, 

Petrus

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## mrmando

Pete Seeger is shopping for groceries. About halfway through his list he realizes he left his banjo in the back seat of his car with the door unlocked. He leaves his grocery cart in the aisle and runs out to the parking lot, but it's too late. 

Someone's already put another banjo in there with it.

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## Eddie Sheehy

Perfect Pitch:  The sound of a banjo hitting an accordion in the bottom of a dumpster...

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Astro, 

stevedenver

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## Bill Stokes

This cartoon from the March New Yorker.

----------

Dan Co1e, 

mugbucket

----------


## Gary Leonard

The US Postal Service has issued many stamps to honor great musicians from Luis Armstrong, Robert Johnson, Hank Williams, The Carter Family, LeadBelly, Roy Acuff, Johnny Cash, Jimi Hendrix are just a few.  There has only been one issue that features a banjo on it, an ill fated 1995 stamp that was discontinued shortly after first issue due to numerous complaints that the stamps were defective, and kept falling off. 

Due to the large number of complaints, the stamps were pulled, and a inquiry committee was formed to investigate the failure so this would never happen again. The inquiry found:

1. The stamps were not defective.
2. The adhesive was fine, and adhered to all paper tested.
3. People were spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

----------

journeybear, 

k0k0peli, 

stevedenver, 

Teak

----------


## Bill Snyder



----------

Ellen T, 

k0k0peli

----------


## MK in NC

The leader of Chatham County Line (which features mandolin from John Teer) offers this observation via Twitter:

----------


## farmerjones

guitar review: Fully bound, thinly planed Engelmann spruce top with forward shifted scalloped 5/16 X bracing. Pre-treatise Rosewood back and sides with a fine koa inlay. Neck, fully bound with fine inlay, and gold tuners atop a vintage vee profile. 

banjer review: Shipping weight 46 lbs.

----------

Pick&Grin

----------


## pops1

How do you get two banjo players to play in tune???       Shoot one

How do you get the banjo player off your porch???       Pay him for the pizza

----------


## DHopkins

> The leader of Chatham County Line (which features mandolin from John Teer) offers this observation via Twitter:


I've been to that banjo shop in LaGrange, GA.  I've never seen so many banjos in one place in all my life.

----------


## HonketyHank

> ...


Hey, I just learned a really neat tune about you. I thought you were a legend. :Smile:

----------


## HonketyHank



----------


## Teak

> I've been to that banjo shop in LaGrange, GA.  I've never seen so many banjos in one place in all my life.


Which means that you've never been to the American Banjo Museum in Oklahoma City, OK.

http://www.americanbanjomuseum.com/

I went through it last year in April before attending a wedding. The wedding was fun.   :Laughing:

----------


## Traceyleezle

> These are adapted from jokes about a stringed instrument that would be the orchestras counterpart to the banjo...
> 
> Whats the difference between a coffin and a banjo?
> 
>    ~the dead person is on the inside.
> 
> If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good banjo player, a bad banjo player or an oasis?
> 
>   ~ The bad banjo player. The other two are only figments of your imagination
> ...


I knew it was a viola instantly, even before I read the last joke. My father played viola in several symphonies/orchestras and was the butt of many of these jokes.

----------


## Relio

What do you call a person with good timing at a banjo contest? A member of the audience.

----------


## farmerjones

What do they say to a banjer picker in a suit?

White suit: "Hello Mr. Martin."

Black suit: "Will the defendant please rise."

----------


## sblock

Q:  What's the difference between a banjo and an Uzzi submachine gun?
A:  The Uzzi only repeats 40 times.

Q:  What's the difference between a banjo and a chainsaw?
A:  A chainsaw has dynamic range.

Q:  What's the difference between a banjo and a Harley?
A:  You can tune a Harley.

----------


## JeffD

I was surprised and delighted by this quip I heard at a camp ground. It was not a festival, just a nice camp ground near a large national forest. I was camping for two days, and of course had my mandolin with me.

Woman next campsite over saw me, and took out her banjo. We did not see eye to eye musically, but there was enough overlap that we had a great great time. (Some sour mash whisky seemed to increase the areas of overlapping musical tastes.)

Anyway, she told me some one of her friends once asked her why she played the banjo, and she said "It don't play itself. There's a lot of banjos out there just stacking up, waiting for players. Its becoming quite a crisis."

----------


## farmerjones

> Anyway, she told me some one of her friends once asked her why she played the banjo, and she said "It don't play itself. There's a lot of banjos out there just stacking up, waiting for players. Its becoming quite a crisis."



Where's the emoticon of a head exploding?   :Disbelief: 

I guess I deserve this. Earlier, I stole Dean Martin's quote: "This martini isn't going to drink itself."

----------


## mandroid

The Pied Piper has just  succeeded in having every bit of Vermin  mesmerized and following him 
 until they all  drowned , in the river .. 

so when He  came back, from that triumph ,  the Mayor asked him to Please do that again,
 and handed him a Banjo.

----------


## Ted Eschliman

Q: Why do coroners dislike identifying dead banjo players?
A: No teeth. Also all their DNA is the same.

----------


## JeffD

We will miss the music and humor of Joe Bethancourt.

http://www.whitetreeaz.com/vintage/vicious.htm

----------

Charlieshafer, 

Emmett Marshall, 

F-2 Dave, 

farmerjones

----------


## Emmett Marshall

> We will miss the music and humor of Joe Bethancourt.
> 
> http://www.whitetreeaz.com/vintage/vicious.htm


This is the first time I've seen that.  Had me in stitches.  His nostalgic writing style, use of images, etc are really cool.  Thanks.

----------


## HonketyHank

His whole site is well worth perusing. I have stolen many images and stories from it. And I have found that Banjo Salve can soothe the wounds that result from yielding to urges to try a little drop thumb on the mandolin.

----------


## JeffD

> His whole site is well worth perusing. I have stolen many images and stories from it. And I have found that Banjo Salve can soothe the wounds that result from yielding to urges to try a little drop thumb on the mandolin.


And it is a housecat lubricant after all.

----------


## drkix

What is worse than finding out your wife is having an affair?

Finding banjo strings under the bed.

Kit

----------

Astro

----------


## f5loar

Because North Carolina is known for having more banjo pickers than any other State in the Union, last year they passed a law that if a banjo picker places their banjo on the dashboard of their pick-up truck, they may park in a handicap space.

----------

Astro, 

Charlieshafer

----------


## JeffD

This is not a joke necessarily, but a phrase I heard.

"He's so old he doesn't know if he is playing a banjo or stacking chord wood."

----------


## Mr5150



----------


## Bill Snyder

Obviously everyone is not reading through all of the old posts. Several of these are being repeated a time or three or five.

----------


## colorado_al

> Several of these are being repeated a time or three or five.


That's for all the banjo players who are reading along...

----------

David Lewis

----------


## Astro

"Several of these are being repeated a time or three or five."



> That's for all the banjo players who are reading along...


That wont work. You're going to need pictures.

----------


## colorado_al

> That wont work. You're going to need pictures.


Right! And pictures to explain those pictures!

----------


## Bertram Henze

> Right! And pictures to explain those pictures!


In fact that's how the Chinese would do it

----------


## Dave Hanson

Daddy when I grow up I want to be a banjo player.

Maker your mind up son.

Dave H

----------


## lmfca

> Definition of perfect pitch:  When the banjo doesn't hit the side of the Demster Dumpster


Now wait a minute, perfect pitch is when you toss the banjo into the dumpster and smash the accordion.

----------


## Br1ck

> I like the one that was going around,,,what did the mandolin player do ,standing by the river minding their own business ,when a banjo player walks up and hands you their banjo?


Pan for gold.

----------

Bill Cameron

----------


## Bill McCall

Banjos come in travelite cases so you don't hurt your back when you throw them over a cliff.  That might be a perfect pitch as well. :Smile:

----------


## Louise NM

What's the difference between a banjo and a chainsaw? 

You can use the chainsaw in a bluegrass band if you really have to.

Why don't bluegrass bands take more than 20 minute breaks?

They don't want to have to re-train the banjo player.

----------


## Louise NM

The difference between a banjo player and a large pizza?

The pizza can feed a family.

----------

Astro

----------


## MontanaMatt

What's the difference between a banjo and a harmonica...
Only half the harmonica notes suck.

How are they alike...they both have drool on them. :Wink:

----------

Astro

----------


## HonketyHank

Man. Hanging around here sure has its pluses and minuses. Now where did I leave my bagpipes?

----------


## johnsoba

uh . . .I know one I can't make public but the punchline is "pepper spray." If you know the setup and post it here, it's on you.

----------


## billykatzz

A banjo player, on his way to a gig, stopped at a local Walmart, forgetting that his banjo was in the back seat.

When he returned to his car, to his horror he found his car had been broken into: his rear window was smashed in!  In the back seat was a second banjo.

----------

Dave Martin

----------


## Sherry Cadenhead

Do banjo players have to play A7 chords?  If not, I might get me one.

----------


## marbelizer

During the summer of 1992 I rented my house to a gentleman who was simultaneously learning Skruggs style banjo and the Scottish bagpipes. He was one accordion away from the instrument joke trifecta. (I live on 12 acres which helps)

BTW at the end of the summer he could absolutely shred both instruments and I mean musically not with a machete or a chainsaw. He began with a tentative 3 finger roll and come September he was crushing Earls Breakdown, Foggy Mtn. Breakdown etc. That summer taught me the value of serious woodshedding. And earplugs  :Laughing:

----------


## allenhopkins

> ...He began with a tentative 3 finger roll and come September he was crushing Earl's Breakdown, Foggy Mtn. Breakdown etc...


On banjo or bagpipes?

----------

colorado_al, 

Kevin Stueve

----------


## MikeEdgerton

:Cool:

----------

Charlieshafer, 

DavidKOS, 

John Soper, 

T.D.Nydn

----------


## banjoboy

What do banjo players use for contraceptives? Their personalities!

----------

DavidKOS, 

MontanaMatt, 

OneChordTrick

----------


## Doug Edwards

True story. My friend David McClung is a finger style guitarist. We we’re talking about banjo stuff. He said he could never get the hang of the three finger rolls. He followed up with “I have two many fingers.”  I replied “You have too many teeth too.”

----------

MikeEdgerton, 

Teak, 

Timbofood

----------


## dhergert

A single, lonely young banjo playing friend asked me for suggestions for pick-up lines for banjo players to use.

I suggested skipping the pick-up lines and instead starting a conversation that will show that he has some wisdom, intelligence and a bright future ahead of him...

"Want to buy a slightly used banjo?"

----------

OneChordTrick

----------


## Charlie Bernstein

What's the difference between a banjo and two large pizzas?
Two large pizzas can feed a family of four.

Why do people take an instant dislike to banjo players?
It saves time.

----------

Teak

----------


## Teak

> True story. My friend David McClung is a finger style guitarist. We we’re talking about banjo stuff. He said he could never get the hang of the three finger rolls. He followed up with “I have two many fingers.”  I replied “You have too many teeth too.”


That reminds of me of the riddle: What do you get when you have a room full of banjo players?









A full set of teeth.

----------


## CarlM



----------

Charles E., 

Hubs, 

Randolph

----------


## DHopkins

> 


Now that's funny!

----------


## AbuFarley

Yuk yuk yuk

----------


## thebanjoman

If yall want a banjo joke a day,  go follow  @a_banjo_walks_into_a_bar on instagram

----------


## Gary Hudson

I believe it was Mark Twain who said that the definition of a gentlemen is a man who knows how to play the banjo, but chooses not to...

----------

DavidKOS

----------


## DavidKOS

> And one for the instrument these were really meant for:
> 
> Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants?
> 
>    ~They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.


I heard it as "both are warm intensely personal experiences no one else hears".

One of my fave instrument jokes, thanks

----------


## stevedenver

I am deeply hurt by the overwhelming and deep hatred yall ‘spress towards us who play , or are trying to play this maligned, misunderstood, and nuanced instrument.

I shall start a “banjos too” movement.....try to stop this type of behavior 










Let me use the restroom,......
Lol

----------

DavidKOS, 

MontanaMatt, 

Simon DS

----------


## Jeff Mando

> I heard it as "both are warm intensely personal experiences no one else hears".
> 
> One of my fave instrument jokes, thanks


Not a banjo joke, but along similar lines, attributed to Steven Wright......"There is a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot......."

----------

DavidKOS, 

Northwest Steve

----------


## catmandu2

> I am deeply hurt by the overwhelming and deep hatred yall ‘spress towards us who play , or are trying to play this maligned, misunderstood, and nuanced instrument.
> 
> I shall start a “banjos too” movement.....try to stop this type of behavior 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I hear ya!  Shame that banjos are only _new once_..

Btw, good luck with tryin to git your banjo to git you to stop yer habit of goin in the woods...  I just got me a rabid dog to "civilize" me - chased me every time I tried goin in the woods...

----------


## DavidKOS

> I am deeply hurt by the overwhelming and deep hatred yall ‘spress towards us who play , or are trying to play this maligned, misunderstood, and nuanced instrument.
> 
> I shall start a “banjos too” movement.....try to stop this type of behavior


Part of the issue is that everyone assumes it's a 5 string banjo.

I'm a 4 string player from New Orleans - grew up playing jazz, and later Italian and a little Irish music on banjo. 

There's a world of difference between the banjo world I grew up in, playing river boats, old-time jazz clubs, jazz funerals, jazz brunches, etc., and the world of the banjo players in the typical jokes.



My typical banjo world - jazz!



One of my rarer moments on a 5 string banjo.

----------


## DavidKOS

> I believe it was Mark Twain who said that the definition of a gentlemen is a man who knows how to play the banjo, but chooses not to...


and another " just smash your piano, and invoke the glory-beaming banjo!
- "Enthusiastic Eloquence," San Francisco Dramatic Chronicle, 23 June 1865"

----------

Gary Hudson

----------


## catmandu2

Well, if we're going to get _serious_...

I was totally into plectrum (standard) banjo for a long time, after tenor...but I started on 5-str.

Still, I don't mind joking around a bit.

----------

DavidKOS

----------


## jim simpson

This is stolen from another joke:

There's a fine line between playing the banjo and not being able to play at all.

----------

DavidKOS

----------


## Mike Buesseler

I love a lot of banjo music, but like banjo jokes, too....like this one:

----------


## Bernie Daniel

> .....Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants?
> 
>    ~They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.


Violin players make up so many of these viola jokes.  I wonder if it is not a measure of their insecurity and jealousy at knowing how much better the viola actually sounds?

----------

bratsche, 

DavidKOS, 

Ryk Loske

----------


## David Lewis

I play banjo. I think the jokes are funny. Mostly.

----------


## oldwave maker

Interesting that both Dubrovnik, Croatia, and King's Landing, Westeros, have openings in the city walls to throw banjos down on attackers!

----------

Bertram Henze, 

darylcrisp, 

John Soper

----------


## HappyPickin

Q: What do you call a banjo player with health insurance?

A: 65

----------

DavidKOS

----------


## Simon DS

What would it take to stop Climate Change?
-seven and a half billion banjos.

----------


## Bertram Henze

> Interesting that both Dubrovnik, Croatia, and King's Landing, Westeros, have openings in the city walls to throw banjos down on attackers!


There is one hole for an F-style OM, too!

----------


## HoGo

> Interesting that both Dubrovnik, Croatia, and King's Landing, Westeros, have openings in the city walls to throw banjos down on attackers!


Now that is weapon of mass destruction! I see banjo-bass on the left side.
But I believe the defence would do better f they played the banjo against the enemies. Just imagine it the enemies took the banjos an started playing them... Jericho 2.0...

----------

Bunnyf

----------


## Mandolin Cafe



----------

Bob Clark, 

darylcrisp, 

maxr, 

Scot Thayer

----------


## John Flynn

Why did the banjo player hang a capo from his rearview mirror?


So he could park in the handicapped spots!

----------


## esslewis

> Most people worry about their possessions being stolen. Banjos are so horrible that you instead worry about random people giving you a banjo.
> Its like the accordion player who stopped at a diner, leaving his accordion in the trunk of his car, and after dinner when he came out, yep, he found his car had been broken into and seven more accordions were in there.


I was hoping the banjo version of that one would be in here somewhere! :Laughing:

----------


## journeybear

> I was hoping the banjo version of that one would be in here somewhere!


Eh?  :Confused:  But it is. In fact, it's the very next post, in response to this. In fact, I mean, huh?  :Confused: 




> Welll ... I heard this as a banjo joke. And it's in the back seat, not the trunk, so it can be seen and thus incite the desired reaction from other banjo owners. No one would know it was in the trunk - well, if it got real hot in there and it were an accordion and it somehow started wheezing ... 
> 
> But have it your way ...

----------

Denis Kearns

----------


## journeybear

The problem with b***o jokes is they nearly always include the name of the consarned cotton-pickin' contraption. Even though it's in a derogatory sense, this activity keeps the notion of the nasty noisemaker alive in our minds.  :Frown:

----------


## John Flynn

> The problem with b***o jokes is they nearly always include the name of the consarned cotton-pickin' contraption. Even though it's in a derogatory sense, this activity keeps the notion of the nasty noisemaker alive in our minds.


We need a PC euphemism for them. That seems to be what people do nowadays with sensitive terms. How about "SC's" (Skinheaded Chordophones)?

----------

journeybear

----------


## journeybear

I was thinking about that. Perhaps a term incorporating the drum similarity.  :Confused:  The drum you strum, or the strummed drum, or some such. But then the whole lot of drummer jokes might get drawn in. Oof!

----------

John Flynn

----------


## tassiespirit

Say no more!

----------

Cobalt, 

Dave Hicks

----------


## tassiespirit

Or,

----------

Dave Hicks

----------


## Bill McCall

That hits the mark :Smile:

----------


## Joel Glassman

A man is in court contesting a parking ticket. The judge looks at him and says
"Do I know you?" "Yes", says the man. "I've been teaching your daughter to play
the banjo." The judge slams down his gavel and says "Five years in the county jail."

----------


## jukie

A man parked his car downtown and left it unlocked with his banjo in the backseat.  When he returned two hours later, someone had left another banjo.

----------


## Mikey.David

Long time listener, first time caller.

What’s a banjo good for? Kindling for the accordian fire!

----------


## Ray(T)

Whist we’re on about accordians - How do you make an accordianist start playing? Start tuning your mandolin!

----------


## Doug Edwards

getting old too.  Since I lost all my lower teeth, maybe it's time to take up the banjo

----------


## journeybear

Nah. Let us know when ya lose them front teeth. That's the look!

----------


## Mandolin Cafe

Related, below. Disclaimer: my wife plays one.

----------

Sue Rieter

----------


## Sue Rieter

There was an accordion at my house growing up. I think it belonged to my dad's uncle. He was from Cleveland and of Polish descent; polkas were likely involved. Nobody seriously played it, but us kids messed around with it all the time and it eventually ended up trashed _(I_ didn't trash it though  :Cool: ).

I kind of wish it was still around. It was pretty fun.

----------

Cobalt

----------


## journeybear

Where I used to live my neighbor played the accordion. Guitar too, but wa having some fun with the squeezebox. We did a bunch of gigs together, first as a duo, then as a band. It was great for gypsy swing numbers, even if they were often in weird keys.

   

You know, if you can attract the kind of attention you want with the instrument you've got, it can't be all bad.  :Wink:

----------

DavidKOS

----------


## mandroid

There is the classic: Q , How do you tell the stage is level?

 :Popcorn:

----------


## journeybear

A: The drool comes out of both sides of the banjo picker's pie hole.  :Whistling:

----------


## DavidKOS

> A: The drool comes out of both sides of the banjo picker's pie hole.


I heard it as "the tobacco juice runs evenly out of both sides of the banjo player's mouth."

----------


## journeybear

Well, you know what they say - six of one, the number of teeth he has left on the other.  :Whistling:

----------


## Billy Packard

Did you know a banjo player came up with the name for the Toothbrush??

Otherwise it would be called a teethbrush ………

----------


## Billy Packard

What do you call a pretty woman on a banjo player’s arm?



A tattoo

----------

