So somebody was really mean(I don't want to go into it, but I really looked up to him and he was very cruel to me) to me today and I started losing perspective and not caring about the consequences of my actions. This hasn't happened to me in years. It's a horrible feeling... especially since I thought I conquered this problem... I called the only two genuineness who's phone numbers I have and they both wouldn't spend any time with me. Their reasons for not letting visit were very insensitive. I made it clear that it was an emergency and I was scared I might go over to the person who was mean to me's house and tell him off, which might get me kicked out of my home, the cops called on me, my butt kicked and definitely would make the other neighbors think less of me. I usually just get sad and push things aside, but there are subjects that will break the camels back, so to speak. My grandpa said it was because I wasn't taking my medications, like he always does..this just made me feel so much worse.. if I ever feel bad, it's because I didn't take my meds. If somebody disagrees with my emotions, it's because I forgot my meds, they insist I needed to get the anger energy out, so I was going to go outside and smash my flower pots and probably anything else I could find. I tripped and fell. I just couldn't take it anymore..I broke down and started crying like a baby. I needed a friend but I had none...I had nobody..nobody cared that I was suffering so much. I just laid there planning on never getting up again, for the rest of my life... The only thing in reach was my Kentucky. I took it out and played it so hard. I didn't care if I broke a string. I couldn't translate my feelings into words to show how i felt, but I don't think anybody would misunderstand how I felt if they saw me playing. It wasn't good. It wasn't even really music, but I put my rage into my "playing" just as I would when breaking stuff. My arms got sore and I worked up a sweat. I would probably have ended up cutting or burning myself if the flower pot smashing didn't work... Then I fell asleep and woke up two hours later, feeling like I had the best sleep of my life. I'm still pretty sad, but it's not altering my behavior any. I really didn't want to share this. It's embarrassing and I feel like people on this board know me as the emotional loose cannon or something...I hope I'm helping other to have the confidence to share their stories...
