Embarrassment and Regret: Part of the Learning Process

[Tom Coletti]

A bit of pondering after a long absence...
(Don't worry, it won't be another convoluted mess. I'm 95% sure of it this time!)

I can think of roughly five distinct occasions in which I've performed publicly on various instruments and failed so miserably that I was in shambles for as much as two days after the fact. Likewise, there's unfortunately a couple of downright shameful posts on here that are so horridly contrived and pointless that my current self can't even find reason as to why or how my younger self posted them. The result of these, of course, is embarrassment and regret upon the slightest recollection, and a desire to profusely apologize to anyone involved.

But I think that these moments are important in the long run. In the case of the botched performances, they help us to recognize our weaknesses and challenge us to improve our playing, motivating us to be more dedicated in our musicianship. When our conduct is concerned, they hold us accountable and compel us to better ourselves. I admittedly still have slips of the tongue or miss a note here and there, but being mindful of these and trying to avoid them is something that I undertake more carefully. It doesn't erase the past, but heeds what it has to teach.

There's not enough time to keep making the same mistakes over and over again, nor is there enough time to make all of them yourself, so learn from mine and you just might be able to save yourself some of that embarrassment and regret.

--Tom

[Folkmusician.com]

I would have thought I might run out of mistakes to make by now! Even when not saying something I shouldn't have, I have a knack for being misunderstood. To explain only makes it worse. Am I the wiser for it? Absolutely! But I am sure tired of lessons...

We all understand. You are in good company.

[nickster60]

I think we tend to be self conscious off our own playing and tolerant of others mistakes. You don't have to be great most musicians aren't and we all make mistakes. Nobody really remembers when you do,they are to busy trying not to do it themselves.

[Kowboy]

If an apology does not bring out forgiveness, it isn't all your fault. Nice post on your part. The world need more of this.

[SGraham]

I appreciate your post, Tom. Thanks for sharing.

Here's something that'll maybe make you feel a little better. Once while leading worship in church, back when I was only 18 or 19 years old, I looked out over the congregation (about 1,200 of them) and said, "Why don't you all stand up and crap on the next song." Of course I meant "clap." 35 years later, I still get red in the face thinking about that, but at least I'm laughing now. Someone needs to invent a portable hole that you can toss down onto the stage and crawl into and disappear! I figure at the very least I brought a lot of people a moment of totally unexpected joy that evening.

[Randi Gormley]

Life has a way of taking you down a peg or two on occasion, but I've found that most people remember the clams in their playing and less-than-perfect behavior long after others have forgotten. I still recall saying something that I considered terrible to a friend way back in high school. I fretted about it for days and finally caught up to her in the hallway and apologized. She looked at me in puzzlement and said she had no idea what I was talking about. I have no problem with apologizing but now I make sure someone was offended before I make amends!

[nickster60]

I do think that remembering things we would rather forget is a good thing. It reminds us we can always do a little better.

[journeybear]

Someone needs to invent a portable hole that you can toss down onto the stage and crawl into and disappear!

Such as this?

[Mark Christensen]

While playing a Bach piece in a duet about ten years or so ago I had to rush to my chair onstage just as the curtain opened to a full theatre (long story) of about 2000 people. As we started to my horror I realized to late that my music stand had been moved just far enough away from my chair that I couldn't read the notes! Somehow I got through the piece from memory but was highly embarrased as I thought I missed or botched quite a few notes, after the concert I was told by many in the audience what a great job I did. No one noticed! I'm not so hard on myself now if I think I didn't perform that well.

[Loretta Callahan]

Just remembered a saying from a dear friend of mine: "When someone says they're perfect, it just means they've made more mistakes than you."

[Petrus]

There's not enough time to keep making the same mistakes over and over again, nor is there enough time to make all of them yourself, so learn from mine and you just might be able to save yourself some of that embarrassment and regret.

Amen to that. There's so many new mistakes to make, life just isn't long enough to make 'em all! I find as I get older and the shame and remorse keep piling up into a Stone Mountain-sized pile of despair, I grab one of my mandos and strum away the self-loathing and terror. Oh, and drown a couple of oxy's with a shot of Jack to to lubricate the ol' synapses, now and again.

[Astro]

Is this turning into a performance confessional ? I butcher stuff on a regular basis. Often I wonder why I keep playing at all. And often I wish I could just stop. But I'm too hooked and somethings got to come out.

Oddly, most of my biggest blotches come on guitar. Usually when I start off a song. My most frequent is getting the strum pattern off. But I can get through the song and novices just think its a variation on the tune if they notice anything at all. The musicians roll their eyes and sometimes if its a jam, just stop me cold and make me start over which I actually prefer. But embarrassing.

The worst though is when I launch off in the wrong key for my voice. Forget to move the capo up or down to where I usually play it.

And you realize it but its too late- you're too far into the song. And you see it coming- the part in the melody thats going to be way too high or way too low. Its like watching a train wreck in slow motion and there is nothing you can do but brace yourself and apologize afterwards.

I hate that the most.

Oh yeah ...and the time I told the obnoxious fat chick at the bar having a birthday round that she didn't look a day over 300 pounds.

Embarrassment and regret ? Yeah I gots lots.

[OldSausage]

I think it's important to remember that playing music is much harder to do when you're starting out. With time and practice it takes way less effort and much less of your brain's resources to achieve a much better result, and it's more enjoyable.

So I think one of the main reasons people are happy to give you a break when you're at the earlier levels is: you're probably the hardest working guy in the room.

[Steve Ostrander]

If we learn from our mistakes, I must be a genius by now....

[jaycat]

. . . Oh, and drown a couple of oxy's with a shot of Jack to to lubricate the ol' synapses, now and again.

Can't say as I recommend that method, unless you want to join the 27 Club.

[journeybear]

Well, a couple and a shot ... moderation in self-medication ... but I think it was a joke.

It's about impossible not to mess up; the best you can do is minimize. Practice does help in this, making the mistakes in the room rather than on the stage - or so I hear ... really ought to practice more ...

Actually, the band should practice more. We hardly ever do, and haven't yet after a three-month summer hiatus. But time and again the guitarist and lead singer, who also chooses most of the material, will find a song on the web and become fascinated with it, learn it, and spring it on us on stage. So we kind of skip the learning curve and dive right in. Most of the time it's OK, and I'll sort it out before we get halfway through the song, and be just fine the next time it comes up. One time though .. He was doing a new song - he'd learned it in Ab, and I had him half-convinced to change it to A (one time he had, one time he hadn't) and the last time we did it in A, so ... Well, it sounded a little odd, but it was hard to tell why, with the crappy monitor mix and the crowd yakking and the bar noise, but when they got on my case after and said I was in the wrong key ... and how could I not hear it ... Well, all I could say was, "I thought we changed it to A." and "See? We really should!"

[Austin Bob]

I can think of roughly five distinct occasions in which I've performed publicly on various instruments and failed so miserably that I was in shambles for as much as two days after the fact.

Anyone who has played in public has experienced those failures. When we first start, we are so self conscious and unsure of our abilities that any mistake, no matter how small becomes magnified in our minds. But in reality, the only person that remembers it the next day is me.

I find that the more I play, the less importance I place on one performance. If I make a mistake, it's not a huge deal because it's a a very small part of who I am as a musician.

[EdHanrahan]

(I've probably posted this before, but...)

My college rock band reunited and played for well over 100 folks, unrehearsed as a group, after only 28 years since our prior gig! Yep, we made lots of mistakes but generally just let 'em slide. (For THAT, we remained well-rehearsed!) The next day, our wives played their videotapes of the grand event and we could identify only 2 or 3 of the dozen(s?) of miss-steps that were made.

The moral is that we amateurs, and probably most professionals, recognize our mistakes FAR more than the audience does. (Be VERY happy that you're not an opera singer; they're held to a far higher level of skewering!)

As for blabbing off at the mouth or keyboard: Welcome to the human race!

[Nevin]

I did a cameo for one tune with a friends band a few months ago. There was no monitoring for me and I could not hear. Needless to say I thought I was terrible. After the gig two people came up and asked if I gave lessons. A couple of weeks ago the band leader asked me to join. This after I thought I would never show my face again.

[Perry Babasin]

A few years back I was leading worship for the youth group of about 150 people or so, most of them high school kids. The head Pastor of the church was there and it was going pretty well. I had rehearsed a solo version of an emotional song with a really nice finger-style guitar accompaniment, and when I started to play (all alone), I pretty much froze, the mind went blank, and my hand turned into a raptor claw. What should have been a dramatic inspiring moment turned into a deer in the headlights, awkward, longest moment of my life. I eventually fumbled through it but not with the impact I was hoping for. This came after many years of playing and singing on the worship team two services a week, 500 folks or so per service. I really like being part of a band, not out there all alone! Ha,ha,ha

[journeybear]

Anyone who has played in public has experienced those failures. When we first start, we are so self conscious and unsure of our abilities that any mistake, no matter how small becomes magnified in our minds. But in reality, the only person that remembers it the next day is me.

I find that the more I play, the less importance I place on one performance. If I make a mistake, it's not a huge deal because it's a a very small part of who I am as a musician.

Exactly. And also, when you consider how many notes you play during a gig, and then think of how many of them are wrong notes, it's a very small percentage of errors - hopefully! It is true that those notes loom larger in your mind, but chances are you hear them more than they do. And you can always incorporate a badly played note into a melody line that brings it back from the abyss and bak onto the path to glory. In fact, that's by far the best thing to do - keep going - or else that clam will hang in the air and last in people's ears and memories. And no one wants that - floating clams lodging in one's ear. Ewwwhhh!

The moral is that we ... recognize our mistakes FAR more than the audience does.

Right. After all, WE are the only ones who know how we are supposed to be playing a song or a lead or a chord. You can always claim what they heard was our take on a song, our interpretation or arrangement. And when it comes to original songs - they have no way of knowing whether you killed it or flubbed it, with no frame of reference.

[JeffD]

Here is a disaster:

[JeffD]

there's unfortunately a couple of downright shameful posts on here that are so horridly contrived and pointless that my current self can't even find reason as to why or how my younger self posted them.

If we don't look foolish in the past we haven't grown.

[jaycat]

Here is a disaster:

I enjoyed that. I'm sick of always hearing it the same old way.

[F-2 Dave]

Here is a disaster:

Oh yeah. That's the stuff right there. Thanks for that.