Favorite Stage Banter

[MikeEdgerton]

The recent thread looking for advice for playing a first gig got me to thinking about the things I've done for years, some just happened out of the blue, others I have deftly stolen from other entertainers I've seen. There are a few things that have come down the road with me, things that have become signatures of sorts.

When one player is taking an inordinate amount of time tuning I'll usually point out that they are just trying to make the rest of us look bad.

If I can't get the mandolin in tune I'll usually make a comment about the word mandolin being Italian for out of tune.

I have a routine that I go into about running for governor of New Jersey. After an election I'll always thank the three people that wrote in my name.

Every now and then, I obviously can't do it every time, I have the MC at one of our regular venues introduce me as "Mr. Mike Edgerton who by the age 0f 20 had his first top 10 pop song on the charts!" I then step up to the microphone and say: "I just need to correct that a bit, I wasn't 20, I was 25, and it wasn't in the top 10, it was in the top 100, and it wasn't on the pop charts it was on the country charts, and it wasn't me it was my brother."

When people are getting up and leaving in a group during a show I will usually say something about us getting a "Walking Ovation" (stolen from Mike Snider)

I end most sets with a tip of the hat and "Thanks for listening, we'll see you down the road!" (stolen from Tom Russel)

There are dozens of jokes that are used to fill those unexpected moments between songs (somebody breaks a string or can't get into tune, one of the women in the band goes into labor, etc.)

I figured out that it was OK to have these faux-spontaneous routines ready after seeing Peter Rowan at several places one year where he told the same off the cuff story about the writing the lyrics to The Walls of Time. He was so good and it was so natural that I almost felt like I hadn't heard him tell it 5 times before.

I will note that you can't use the same lines every time you're in the same venue or if you're on stage with the person you stole the line from.

Since I'm always looking for new material, have you got anything that you use?

[AlanN]

From the rapier-like wit of Mike Snider:

"(insert name) is from/spent time in Oklahoma, where it's very windy. When the winds subside, people fall down."

"(insert name)'s Mother-In-Law came over to the house to visit one night, when it was raining cats and dogs. He/She opened the door and said "Well, don't just stand there in the rain, go home!"

There's a million of 'em...

[OldSausage]

I don't do stage jokes, except sometimes when I really want to hear the crickets.

[John Ritchhart]

I posted one on the other thread from Jethro Burns. Lynn Dudenbostel sent me a recording that is just outtakes of Jethro talking between numbers. Hilarious - in his gentle hokey kind of way.

[stevedenver]

humor , genuine humor on stage, relaxed and good natured, takes the audience along and makes the group much more 'knowable';

otoh......................
we had a banjo player that felt it a part of 'entertaining' to literally write out jokes, and, imho, lame ones, place them in between tunes in our set list, arbitrary, unrelated to the show, songs, or venue or group, and simply read them, like a 6 year old with a copy of highlights magazine.

worse still, all done without telling anyone. this is like being on stage, and having someone go into a bad soliloquy, or, playing in the wrong key. and theres no way to put the brakes on..... and when this was addressed later, absolutely did not change or get what we were saying.


Delivery was terrible too. This actually broke up our relationship. There is nothing worse than the inability to see yourself as the audience might. or worse, insulting the audience.

"did you hear about the movie, Constipation? It never came out".
"Why were the strawberries upset? because they were in a jam."

unfortunately, there was no table to crawl under, and, since it was told in earnest, again and again, hard to turn into a joke within a joke, especially without being deprecating, or seeming to bicker or be divided, which is never cool on stage. "Hey folks, this is our banjo player. as you can tell from these jokes, he just flew in from Miami and his brain is still in the clouds......)

this is what happens when someone decides to be the front man and hasn't a clue. (ours was absolutely chagrinned, as were we all.)

[MikeEdgerton]

Being good at having a conversation with the audience is an art form. Some people are born with it, some have no clue, just like real life. It can be developed. I had a guy I used to play with that did the forced bad jokes, It was awful. Then you meet a guy like my friend Paul Unkert that can get away with murder because of his on stage persona. You've got to have a feel for it and you have to know your audience. The late Steve Goodman was an entertainer that could carry on a conversation as well if not better than anyone I ever saw. As of late Fred Eaglesmith (I am a fan) appears to be going the other way. You rarely see a professional touring band that doesn't have someone talking to the audience. It's part of performing.

otoh......................
we had a banjo player...

I just re-read that and that line itself can evoke humor

[rfloyd]

My favorites are:

1. Everything Red Knuckles and the Trailblazers say. The latest I heard from them, while introducing the band members...."He was born in Filth, but he was raised in Squalor".

2. All the stories Peter Rowan tells. "What are you boys....Hippies?" and "we called Bill's bus 'the Bluegrass Breakdown' "

3. Tim O'Brien saying that "Old Time music is better than it sounds" (someone told me he stole this; that it was originally said about music by Wagner).


A couple that actually seemed spontaneous (but probably weren't):

Peter Rowan was using a new-looking guitar, and when it wouldn't stay in tune he muttered "this guitar thinks it's still a tree"

When Garrison Keillor asked Sam Bush if he had any advice for people at the start of Festival season, he immediately said "Don't drink anything you don't open yourself"

[Tavy]

When Garrison Keillor asked Sam Bush if he had any advice for people at the start of Festival season, he immediately said "Don't drink anything you don't open yourself"

And from Tim O'Brien: "Don't eat anything blue".

My favourite anti-heckler put-down from Mike Harding: "God wasted a perfectly good arse when he put teeth in that!", but I'd recommend not using that unless you have a fast car waiting

[Timbofood]

Pretty much all of the "Schtick" from the old Dillard's shows was sheer genius! As well as the Ky. Colonels patter!
(Insert name here)..is from Iowa, they raise a lot of corn there and, you can see he brought two of the biggest ears with him!

[John Ritchhart]

Linda Williams - "Most people don't know it but we're famous..."

[Jackgaryk]

Norman Blake..."i'd like to show you my new $5000 Gibson heat and humidity detector".

[Polecat]

After playing a particularly fast song, I often claim to the audience that the band doesn't like the piece we just played, which is why we upped the tempo to get it over with quicker (I believe that I thought this up myself, but am prepared to stand corrected if someone has heard it elsewhere).
I also like to introduce the fourth song of the evening with "The next song is..." (make a show of consulting the set-list before announcing triumphantly) "...number 4!"
again, I believe it's an original line but couldn't swear to it.

[Tavy]

A very old one:

When tuning up: "That was an ancient Chinese melody - Tu Ning"

[MikeEdgerton]

Someone here used to have a signature line of "Can I get a little more talent in the monitors please?" I stole that as well.

[Lord of the Badgers]

Walking Ovation - I like that.

Can't claim to be massively witty, but here's some of my random stuff I've spouted:

I once stopped a woman from leaving by pointing out what a lovely dress she had on. She turned up at our gig yesterday to remind me... it was a year ago too!

Yesterday, the bassist's family walked in, and having seen them approaching the door, I waited and loudly over the PA said "Ladies & Gentlemen, please welcome Mr & Mrs Katie & David [surname witheld!]!"

Asked a bloke if he was a "hipster"

Told a (very pretty) young lass who was knitting (seems to be an odd rage in the UK with the young!) at our gig. Told her how I'd previously been heckled by knitting. Then her boyfriend chipped in. He was wearing a woolly hat. "Did she knit you that?" I said in a scornful voice.

Drummer informs the crowd that our next song is about 1930s drag scene (it is), then proceeds to try & tell the crowd I like to dress up in women's clothes. I respond with "only for you dear".

I frequently refer to extended songs as being either a 24" remix, or a 36" remix.

I sometimes tell someone a long story about what the next song's about, then tell them it's not actually about that.

[to the bass or clarinet player, both superb musicians, on their rare mistakes] "play something you know!". Oldie but goodie.

I borrowed this from Tim Smith, leader of legendary punk/prog UK outfit, Cardiacs, sort of. We have a song where I get the crowd to bark like dogs. They duly bark, and if they do it well enough I furiously tell them to shut up.
When the song finishes "I'm sorry I shouted at you earlier, but we're all friends now yeah?"

"are we all enjoying ourselves?" [enthusiastic reaction of "yes!"], to which I answer furiously with "WHY?!!!"

I quite often start up a rap about the drummer, which invariably accuses him of being a pervert.

If the drummer is saying something to the crowd, I mime his words.

That's a few...

[Randi Gormley]

I've often mused on the difference between a musician and an entertainer. Many of the people in my group are musicians, but we only have one legitimate entertainer and when he's off somewhere we have to make do -- and trust me, we're all aware that what we have is second best on a good day. We did have one dude who, like the banjo player mentioned above, would break out into clueless jokes that would make a 5-year-old roll their eyes or would start talking and simply not shut up. Once he gets to nattering, the only way to close him down is to start another tune. I don't think we give enough credit to entertainers, myself.

[John Flynn]

My faves for stage banter are the Buckhannon Brothers. All this will seem really corny, but they pull it off.

"We had a request from the audience...but we're going to keep playing anyway."

"This next tune is a waltz. I love waltzes. At one point, I got so addicted to playing waltzes I had to go into a three-step program."

"We're having trouble hearing ourselves up here, so I'm going to set up the monitor." (Then they pull out the picture below blown up on on poster board and lean it up against one of the mike stands facing the audience.)

[Lord of the Badgers]

Yep. Rarely is an entertainer the perfect musician. My mando playing is quite limited onstage. I write, and I entertain. Didn't know that I did like that until I joined a band. I've been complimented on my ability to silence a bar for the right reasons. But I can't push the band along like the bassist does, nor can I play clarinet and brass like the soloists do, nor can I sing such amazing harmonies as they can. Neither I nor the band could be without it, and as such, any ego is firmly held in check. Nothing is worse than a lead guy/gal who dominates a good band too much.

One thing our band gets complimented on is that we don't just stand behind the mics and hope the songs will do it. So as a unit we entertain, even if it's largely yours truly who does the banter. We get in amongst the crowd, we try & sneak behind the bar, we stand on tables. We involve audience members in the banter.

But it's never offensive.

It's that what makes you memorable IMO, not just wit

[Flattpicker]

Martin Mull, to the crowd, in response to a heckler: "Isn't it sad when cousins marry?"

[rfloyd]

Sam Bush, on day 1, 2 or 3 - "How many of you have been at the festival all four days?"

[Frank Russell]

My favorite band for banter is Dry Branch Fire Squad. Even their long jokes, like the one about Bill Monroe putting his pants on one leg at a time, are effortless and funny, without too much corn. It's definitely a necessary evil when playing live and something goes wrong. Frank

[barney 59]

I always like Frank Wakefield's ---" Do you want me to kick it off...or should I do it?"

[Tom C]

Years ago I heard when the band said they signed their first record contract....Now they get 10 CDs for the price of one with no obligation to buy more.
or When the band ask for any requests...then said "We don't know 'get the hell off the stage' ".

[Lord of the Badgers]

... asking if anyone has any concerns or issues. That's a Curtis Eller one but it goes down well.

[Ted Eschliman]

"Tip your waitress on the way out. Preferably to the left."