Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

[blacksmith]

Yup, i know who he is. Ok, how about Bert Kaempfert?

[Gerry Hastie]

A drummer is fed up of all the tedious jokes about tub-thumpers being thick and wants to change his instrument so he can be taken seriously as a musician.

He goes shopping for a guitar and says to the guy behind the counter, "I'd like to learn the guitar so I'll need uh, a guitar, an amp and some effects pedals and strings and uh, plectrums".

The guy behind the counter looks and says, "son, you're a drummer, aren't you?"

"How the @*!£ do you know that! Have I got it tattooed on my forehead?" is the exclaimed reply.

"No son, this is a butcher's shop."

[MikeEdgerton]

Yup, i know who he is. Ok, how about Bert Kaempfert?

Know the name, not the music. I spent about 10 pre-internet years searching for a recording of James Last's Biscaya.

[Ronnie L]

It would be interesting to have an honest poll of cafe members to know if anyone here other than you and I even know who James Last is.

He is a polyester suited European purvayer of Lift Music.

Bert Kaempfert Is a genius...who actually gave The Beatles their first recording break.

The Joke was however first told during Karajan's years as conductor of the Berlin Philharmonic.....

[JeffD]

[/YOUTUBE]

Yup, i know who he is. Ok, how about Bert Kaempfert?

My childhood before me. OMG I am old.




Though most people who remember him at all will remember this one.




I was too young to protest. I am sure I was scarred for life.

[Coffeecup]

I wish people would stop posting that. All I have to do is GLANCE at it, and I have the melody stuck in my head again!

I heard that you can't get more than half way through page 1. Apparently there's some problem with the bar marked "release the penguins".

[Phil Vinyard]

The "Faerie's Air and Death Waltz" manuscript reminded me of the following plate from "The Definitive Biography of P.D.Q. Bach" by Professor Peter Schickele:

[journeybear]

Q: How many female vocalists does it take to sing "Crazy" by Patsy Cline?
A: Apparently, all of them.

Too funny and sadly, true. And there's also "Me And Bobby McGee," Janis Joplin's version.

[journeybear]

He is a polyester suited European purvayer of Lift Music.

Bert Kaempfert is a genius...who actually gave The Beatles their first recording break.

I'm not sure about that ... but I did find this at wikipedia:

"Another contributor to Kaempfert's music was guitarist/bassist Ladislav "Ladi" Geisler, who popularized the famous "knackbass" (crackling bass) sound, which became the most distinctive feature of many Kaempfert recordings - a treble staccato bass guitar sound in which the bass string was plucked with a pick and immediately suppressed to cancel out any sustain. It was Geisler who lent his guitar amplifier to The Beatles for their recording session with Tony Sheridan, after the band's own equipment proved to be inadequate for recording purposes.[citation needed]"

Also:

"Many of his tunes became better known as hits for other artists:

"'Strangers in the Night' (with words by Charles Singleton and Eddie Snyder, originally recorded by Ivo Robić), was originally recorded as part of his score for the 1965 film A Man Could Get Killed. It became a #1 hit for Frank Sinatra in 1966."

These tidbits don't really change my general impression of him as a schlockmeister and kindred spirit of Mantovani, but maybe he had a hip streak that wasn't too apparent. As far as I know, James Last didn't make much of an impression in the States, and surely wasn't part of The British Invasion, for which many Americans are forever grateful.

[Ronnie L]

Another little known fact about Ladi Geisler is that he flew Messerschmitt 262 jet fighters a the end of WW2. So much for Lemmy's Iron Cross bass playing affectation!

[Mike Bunting]

How many bass players to change a light bulb?
None, the keyboard player does it with his left hand.

[journeybear]

FWIW wikipedia characterized both of these orchestras as German, or at least the musicians. And there's a connection: "Kaempfert used many musicians who were available in Germany and other parts of Europe, including many of the same players who played for James Last, Kai Warner and Roberto Delgado."

Oh are we ever off on a tangent!

But speaking of musical jokesters, besides PDQ Bach and The Portsmouth Sinfonia, there is the one and only Spike Jones. Brilliant!

[pickloser]

The funniest thing I've heard in a long time is at Post #24 in this thread: http://www.mandolincafe.com/forum/sh...ad.php?t=54716

Journeybear posted it below. Give it a listen. Laugh.

[journeybear]

Funny thing is, a bass player I know worked that into a conversation the other day!

Oh - I thought you meant post #24 in this thread. Oops!

[JeffD]

I was very young when Bert Kaempfert was on the radio and TV. I don't remember my parents ever getting an album.

The Sandy Becker show used his music as its opening theme song, and perhaps for various other things, and I remember watching that show regularly, though I never thought the show was funny. It was, as I remember, a little creepy. I wasn't yet tall enough to turn on or off the television.

[JeffD]

The funniest thing I've heard in a long time is at Post #24 in this thread: http://www.mandolincafe.com/forum/sh...ad.php?t=54716

Its tragic. Maybe that's why its funny.

[JeffD]

This joke took me a few seconds, but then I splorched my orange juice:

Was playing in a night club one night, and getting few requests and small tips. Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7.

He said, "No, no. A jazz chord."

I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn't like that either.

"No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, 'A jazz chord - to say - ah love you.'"

[journeybear]

No, you di'n't! Ouch! Make it stop! ... ... ... ...

You, sir, are not an innocent bystander, but an active participant!

Now I've got something I can use to totally mess with some of my friends at their gigs. This oughta be fun. Hmmm ...

[farmerjones]

That's funnier than Sonny & Cher's old tune: An the Beagle Zone.

[blacksmith]

A guy is sick and goes to the doctor. He describes his symptoms and after some consideration tells his patient " Tie this leather strap around your wrist. Wear until until it rots and drops off. When it drops off you will be cured." So the guys ties it on and leaves the office. A few months go by and the doctor happens to meet the patient on the street, asks the patient how he's feeling. He says "Doc, the thong is gone but the malady lingers on."

[Paul Kotapish]

A bluegrass enthusiast dies and finds himself in bluegrass heaven. Earl Scruggs is leading a jam session and everyone is having a great time. The newcomer sees an imposing figure in a suit, boots, and a Stetson hat playing a beat up Loar F-5 off on his own cloud. "Wow! Is that Bill Monroe?" the excited enthusiast asks St. Peter. "No, that's God. He just thinks he's Bill Monroe."

[Paul Kotapish]

Q: How do you get a musician to complain?

A: Give him a gig.

[Jack Roberts]

The music professor wanted her new baby to grow up appreciating modern music, so everytime she brought out the bottle she played Arnold Schoenberg and Paul Hindemith on the nursery stereo, and everytime she took the bottle away she played Bach.

Sure enough, the child is now 20 years old and he hates milk.

[Paul Kotapish]

The great English conductor, Sir Thomas Beecham, was well known for his fiece wit. There is some contention about whether he actually uttered all of the mots attibuted to him, but he's often credited with the following:

“There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn't give a damn what goes on in between.”

“A musicologist is a man who can read music but can't hear it.”

“Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away.”

“The English may not like music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes.”

To a cellist at a rehearsal:

"Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands - and all you can do is scratch it.”

Finally

“Try everything once except folk dancing and incest.”

[Paul Kotapish]

Banjo tunes. You've heard one, you've heard them both.