Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

[jim_n_virginia]

"No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, 'A jazz chord - to say - ah love you.'"

ok ... i don't get it?!?!?!

[Matt DeBlass]

ok ... i don't get it?!?!?!

A |jazz |chord |to say I love you
I |just |called| to say I love you

[JEStanek]

ok ... i don't get it?!?!?!

Stevie Wonder - I just called to say, I love you.

Awful. Good one JeffD

Jamie

Cross posting with Matt!

[Mike Bunting]

Best one yet!

This joke took me a few seconds, but then I splorched my orange juice:

Was playing in a night club one night, and getting few requests and small tips. Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7.

He said, "No, no. A jazz chord."

I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn't like that either.

"No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, 'A jazz chord - to say - ah love you.'"

[BlueMt.]

ok ... i don't get it?!?!?!

I'm sure there's lots of others who didn't get it. I sure didn't.

[mandroid]

It's tough to explain jokes to banjo players isn't it?

[Eddie Sheehy]

If ya have to explain it......

[journeybear]

Well, JeffD did preface it with: This joke took me a few seconds, but then I splorched my orange juice ... Besides, puns are viewed as not humor but torture devices in some cultures.

Are you sayin' jim_n_virginia is a banjo player? Them's fightin' words in some parts of this country!

[MikeEdgerton]

I'm usually pretty quick on the uptake and I had to look at it and even though I figured it out it didn't seem funny but then again everyone I know talks like that.

[Aran]

A banjo player friend came back with this snappy one after a bit too much banjo abuse at a session:

What's the difference between a proctologist and a banjo player?

A proctologist only has to play with A-Hole at a time!

[jim_n_virginia]

If ya have to explain it......

... ok i get it now ... and no I do not play banjo ... well I DO own a banjolin but it is just decoration mostly.

[GRW3]

True stories from the trips to The Landing, the classic jazz club in San Antonio...

Short story:

The leader of the band, Jim Cullum, orchestrates a complete show each night with the details well planned. He doesn't have a standard set list for the tourists and he doesn't do requests. One night somebody in the crowd, evidently expecting the latter asks loudly:

"Do you do requests?"

JIm replied (this was in the mid '90s):

"Yes, we're working on some from 1985 tonight."

Long Story:

Once, on a rare ocassion I could get my wife to accept the possiblity of leaving the boys with a baby sitter we were at The Landing. Now her paranoia about babysitters had been picked up by the kids and they would call about any little issue they had. This night was no different.

During the first set she got up and walked into the Hyatt atrium to answer calls from the boys. During the first break between sets she was out there again and the Trombone player came over and asked for my wife's cell phone number. I gave it to him.

Sure enough in the next set when one of the other players was taking a break I saw him pull his phone out and turn around. Ring... Ring... (vibrate mode of course) and she was out the door. I could hear his part of the conversation:

"Are you enjoying the show?"
...
"Mike, the trombone player in the band"
...
"You keep leaving and I was worried you weren't having fun."
...
A couple of minutes later she came in very red faced. She told me she had called the babysitter and said the next call better be after one to 911 calling for an ambulance. I owe Mike Pixley for getting her put her foot down about interupting our private time.

[JMUSIC]

A sax player is sitting on the edge of his window sill of his tenth floor apartment. Deep into what he is doing, he looses his balance and falls the ten floors hits the canvas awning, slides down to the ground totally uninjured. A man rushes over to him and sees that he doesn't even have a scratch. "Wow",he says, "you must be the luckiest sax player in the world!" The sax player looks up at him "no, that would be Kenny G..."

[KiltedBandit]

How do you tune the bagpipes?

With a pitchfork.


..says the Pipe Major.

[Farmjazz]

Q: What's the difference between a frog in a taxi and a banjo player in a taxi?
A: The frog's on his way to a gig.

Q: How many sopranos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one - she holds it up and the world revolves around her.

Spoken from the microphone in the middle of a set of polka music ... "We have been given a request, but we're going to keep playing anyway."

[JeffD]

"I learned this next tune from our third album."

[JeffD]

Best tuning joke:

I was at a Frank Zappa concert many years ago, and the band was tuning up, and Frank announced "This is what distinguishes us from the Partridge Family."

[BlueMt.]

A violinist says to his wife "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin."
His wife replies "I'd rather you played me like a harmonica!"


A musician goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”

The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.” The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.

“You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”

The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”

The musician quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”

[Coffeecup]

Besides, puns are viewed as not humor but torture devices in some cultures.

One more turn on the thumb-screws.


Fred had been at the bar since the pub opened, downing pint after pint.

As he watched the band manhandle their speakers onto the small platform that served for a stage he swore quietly to himself. %#**@^ musicians. Why did the landlord have to put this racket on every week? Couldn't a man drown his sorrows in peace of a Friday.

Though to be fair, he thought, it wasn't every Friday that his wife left him. Just this particular one. %#**@^ musicians. He was in an even fouler mood by the time the band started. Five more pints of bitter had earned their name and he swore at the singer as he staggered past to the toilets.
Half an hour and eight songs later, the band paused. "Are there any requests?" said the singer. Half a dozen voices shouted out, including Fred's.

"Play Yesterday" he shouted.

The band conferred and after a few moments started to play "Yesterday."
Again the band paused and asked if there were any requests. This time only Fred said anything.

"Play Yesterday again" he called, a touch indistinctly. Slightly to his surprise they did. A slightly shorter version, but "Yesterday" nonetheless.

Again came the call for requests. For a second time Fred was the only one to speak. For a third time he asked for "Yesterday."

"Now come on mate," said the singer, "We've done that for you twice already."

"Sing %#**@^ Yesterday" growled Fred.

"We just have, twice" said the singer and turned away. At this point Fred snapped. "Now yer %#**@^ you're %#**@^ well going to sing it again." snarled Fred as he picked up a bottle from the table and made a lunge for the platform.

He never reached the singer though. First he stumbled over a stool, then slipped in a pool of beer near the stage and fell, knocking his head against the corner of the stage and cracking his skull.
All of which, of course, only goes to demonstrate the wisdom of the old proverb
"You should never fight the band that heeds you. "

[JeffD]

When the string section rose up and strangled the brass section for being out of tune, they called it wanton act of violins.

When musicians do it, it’s called band on the pun.

[Dena Haselwander]

What do viola players use for birth control?
Their personalities.


The Irish gave the Scots bagpipes as a joke. They still haven't gotten it...



Dena

[Matt DeBlass]

<removed by Moderator>

[MikeEdgerton]

Guys, it's a family forum.

[journeybear]

Not to mention the topic is BEST musical jokes ... ...

“Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away.”

I actually found myself in a variation of this joke. Once while playing for tips at the daily Sunset Celebration at Mallory Square, doing typicaly poorly due to greater public interest in circus-type acts, for some reason I launched into "Substitute" by The Who - at this point more for my own amusement than anyone else's. Midway through, a refined-looking gentleman ambled by, stopped and listened till the end, and tipped me a dollar. I thanked him, and he thanked me for reminding him of a song he had liked for a long time. I noticed a certain brogue in his voice, and soon got it out of him that he was from Scotland. I told him there was a bagpipe player working over in the far corner of the dock. He said he wasn't that crazy about the pipes, and that back home there was a pipe band that practiced three miles from his house and it was still too loud. Off he went, only to return a little later to tell me he listened to the piper for ten minutes, didn't recognize a single tune, said he didn't know what he was playing but it wasn't Scottish music! This whole interchange really made my day. It's not often that a punch line coincides with an actual event; this was a delight.

[mandopete]

A "Wow",he says, "you must be the luckiest sax player in the world!" The sax player looks up at him "no, that would be Kenny G..."

Check out the Kenny G Christmas CD.

Or as Pat Metheny said "More clams than Ivars!"