Let's hear your BEST musical joke?

[Matt DeBlass]

My apologies, at bit out of line there for this forum.

[MikeEdgerton]

It was bound to happen eventually, somebody had to put one up.

[journeybear]

Amy Rigby - Give the Drummer Some

Amy Rigby, one of my favorite singer/songwriters, was married for years to Will Rigby, a fine drummer ......... who always seemed to me to be a real nice guy. During this time she surely heard a gazillion drummer jokes, and works some of them into this homage. About three minutes in she stops and tells a few at the end of the bridge. The audio quality isn't the best, and her delivery is a bit offhand, but this is the only version I've found. Some of these we've heard before, but there are a couple more ... like, What do you call a girl on the arm of a drummer? A tattoo ...

[jim_n_virginia]

Hey Chuck (cwilson on the Cafe) told a joke this weekend at a festival we went to he swears he made it up...

Q:What do you call an out of tune accordian?

A: A DIScordian!

[Matt DeBlass]

Hey Chuck (cwilson on the Cafe) told a joke this weekend at a festival we went to he swears he made it up...

Q:What do you call an out of tune accordian?

A: A DIScordian!

I thought you just called it an accordion?

[JeffD]

Definition of a gentleman: someone who knows how to play the spoons, and doesn't.

[JeffD]

Q: How many mandolin players does it...

A: Thats not funny.

[Matt DeBlass]

Ah, the spoons.
I remember hearing about a session at The Crane, in Galway, when a spoons player showed up. From what I heard he had more enthusiasm than ability, and when the session leader ordered a round of drinks he got one for everybody but the spoonist.
The newcomer was, of course, offended and asked, "hey what about me?"
"Oh, right," said the session leader, "and a bowl of soup for yer man here!"

I heard it from a guy who heard it from a guy who swore it was a true story.

[JeffD]

I heard a funny one a while back. I forget the joke, but the punch line was:

"Mozart and two other broke musicians."

[Paul Kotapish]

Off he went, only to return a little later to tell me he listened to the piper for ten minutes, didn't recognize a single tune, said he didn't know what he was playing but it wasn't Scottish music! This whole interchange really made my day. It's not often that a punch line coincides with an actual event; this was a delight.

The pipes are uncommonly easy to poke fun at, and developing an appreciation for them requires a bit of a commitment. It's a mistake to think that all pipes and pipers are Scottish, however. The highland pipes are the most obvious and frequently seen instruments in this country--and Scotland, too, no doubt--but bagpipes of various sorts are common in almost every culture in Europe as well as many cultures of the Middle East, and north Africa.

So don't confine your jokes to the hapless highlanders. There are so many more bagpipers to hassle. For a quick tour of the options, check out these stamps of the world featuring bagpipes.



Pretty interesting, actually.

[John Flynn]

Is that guy on the stamp playing that thing, or smoking it?

[blacksmith]

Yes.

[journeybear]

... but bagpipes of various sorts are common in almost every culture in Europe as well as many cultures of the Middle East, and north Africa.

So don't confine your jokes to the hapless highlanders. There are so many more bagpipers to hassle...

It is truly amazing how many cultures around the world feature some form of bagpipes in their music. It is really an odd way instrumental design. I blame sailors for this. Same with accordions - they're everywhere. Personally, I prefer Uillean pipes and Cajun accordians, if I had to choose. And of course, the way they're played makes a big difference, too, as does the kind of music.

But the fellow in my story (which was long enough as it was, and not all that funny, just odd), was dressed in some sort of Scottish garb, kilt and all, and playing Highland pipes. His act does indeed revolve around presenting himself as Scottish - though in fact he is from Connecticut - so if the actual Scot disdained his playing, he had reason to, I expect.

[Brad Little]

No mandolins in this one, although as we all know Beethoven did write for it:

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the basses have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bassists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!"

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist.

"I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see?

It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

Brad

[mandroid]

I like this one, the winner of this years Ig-Nobel prize for Literature goes to :
Ireland's police service, for writing and presenting more than 50 traffic tickets to the most frequent driving offender in the country - Prawo Jazdy - whose name in Polish means "Driving Licence".

[Mteresko]

Q: How many Deadheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: None, they just follow it around for 40 years waiting for it to burn out.

[Arve Hermundstad]

A friend of mine wants to sell his vintage Strat, to raise money for a decent acoustic guitar. He was discussing the guitar with a potential buyer.
They talked about what year it was from and other things, like the condition of the instrument. You know the drill. Eventually the buyer asks: "Is it a sunburst?". The reply was: "No, it's a Fender Strat!!"

[Eddie Sheehy]

Brad, that's a an absolute Classic...

No mandolins in this one, although as we all know Beethoven did write for it:

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the basses have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bassists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!"

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist.

"I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see?

It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

Brad

[Eddie Sheehy]

A banjo player goes to the Doctor and writes on a note: "Doctor please help me, I've lost my voice". The doctor tells him to place his hand flat on the table and then proceeds to smack his hand with a ball-peen hammer. "AAAAAAAAAAAGH", shouted the banjo player...
"Very good", said the doctor. "Come back tomorrow and we'll try B...

[Steve Finlay]

How does a bassist count to three?
One, four, five, one.

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?

"Knock ... Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Philip Glass"

[Simon DS]

A mandolinist wants to buy a space ship and fly around the planet so he decides to tell his wife about their plan.
‘I can help you, honey,’ she says.
‘-Great!’
He goes to sleep and leaves her to figure it out.
In the morning he wakes up, walks across the yard to their warehouse.
Surprise! The place is completely empty, only two mandolins left.

His wife standing behind him says, ‘now you’ve got plenty of space!’

[journeybear]

Forgive my impertinence, but I think a slight rewrite would improve this joke. (After all, not many people have their own warehouse, right on their property.) It's cruel, but then, comedy IS cruel - if cruel things happen to others.

In the morning he wakes up, and discovers his wife is gone, and has taken everything with her. The place is completely empty, except for his mandolins. There is a note attached to one. It says, ‘now you’ve got plenty of space!’

[Paul Cowham]

In days of old, some sailors exploring the oceans of the world made camp on the beach of a beautiful tropical island.

They'd noticed that there was some drumming coming from the top of a forested mountain next to the beach, this kept them awake all night.

The next morning, the drumming suddenly stopped. Then the islanders started running down the mountain with looks of abject terror on their faces. The sailors asked them what the problem was, and they said "bass solo next!".

[domradave]

Einstein played violin in a string quartet and it wasn't going well. The cellist said: "What's the matter Einstein? Can't you count!".

[Charles E.]

Yep, Pablo Casals.