Musician Jokes

[Mark Gunter]

Just got my results! No worries! Sharing the good news ...

[David Lewis]

Corona Virus joke.

https://youtu.be/7yJrsY9elgo

alas, it's private, meaning I can't see it...

[Simon DS]

Sorry David, I had thought leave it for a hundred views and if noone ‘likes’ then I’ll know that jokes are too early. but now, fair game!

[Randi Gormley]

here's a new one a friendly guitar player posted: Seattle just banned all live musical performances for 30 days! This cancels over 1,246 gigs affecting 320 working musicians with a total income loss of $426.75.

[Mark Gunter]

Doing their part to stop the hoarding.

[Simon DS]

My birthday today, got a great joke book as a present from my daughter, Plato and Platypus Walk Into a Bar’ by Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein.
-Philosophy as a joke.
So I thought I’d share one:


A man walks into a pet store and asks to see the parrots. The store owner shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor.

‘This one is $5000 and the other is $10,000,’ he says.
‘Well’ says the man, ‘what does the $5000 one do?’
This parrot can sing every Aria Mozart wrote, says The store owner.
‘And the other?’
‘He sings Wagner’s entire Ring cycle.’

‘And there is another parrot outback, for $30,000.
‘Holy moly!’ What does he do?’
‘Nothing that I've heard, but the other two parrots call him “Maestro”.’

[journeybear]

Jokes of this nature depend on assumptions and prejudices - that is, previously stated commentaries commonly held to be humorous. I say that because if you don't understand that, you might not get this joke. I'm not sure it really is a joke, but more a wry comment.

The biggest problem with music is it's made by musicians.

[JimIrsik]

Used to play at nursing homes. One lady had a terrible cold. When we left the fiddle player said "I sure hope you get better." She said "I hope you do too."

[JimIrsik]

True story. A guy was at a festival Bill Monroe was at. He caught up with Bill and asked if he could play his mandolin for Bill to see what he thought. He played a song and Bill said "Let me see that mandolin. Bill played a tune and handed the mandolin back to the guy and said, "Well, it's not the mandolin."

[soliver]

The local police were called to a domestic disturbance and find that a woman who turns out to be the wife of an avid guitar collector has used her husband's guitars as weapons and beaten her husband unconscious and destroyed several valuable guitars in the process.

The woman is arrested and detained overnight to await a quick trial and sentencing in front of a judge in the morning.

In the morning the woman faces the judge and after a brief discussion with both lawyers, the judge asks her "First Offender?"
She looks at the judge and replied "Naw, first I hit him with a Gibson, then I hit him with a Fender."

[maxr]

What's the definition of a Scottish gentleman?

A man who can play bagpipes but doesn't.

[A-board]

I sang in an a capella group. My boss at the time was very impressed and told people we sang “with no music.”

Sometimes true, unfortunately.

[JeffLearman]

Then there's the one about the (insert ethnic reference) jazz musician . . . (who was in it for the money)

"Blond". The blond jazz musician. That's the one we can get away with. (Says the blond, who is now mostly gray and can now laugh at blond jokes.)

EDIT: says the blond who just responded to a post from nearly a decade ago.

[CarlM]

[Simon DS]

A banjo player is happily strumming away while walking across a field.
Suddenly he falls, sliding into a deep sink hole.
About ten feet down he grabs hold of a tiny tree root, and looks up to the small circle of sky above him and shouts, ‘help!!’

A booming voice calls back, it’s God. ‘It’s ok. Just let go. I’ll save you.’
Banjo player thinks for a second, and then shouts, ‘is there anyone else?’

[mbruno]

One of my favorites:

What's the difference between a bass player and guitar player walking down the street?

The bass player is going to a gig.


My favorite stage joke (non-musical) is:

What'd the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam.

[Simon DS]

Learn tremolo and catch a catfish in 5 minutes.


https://youtube.com/shorts/NV7SVGC3HA8?feature=share

[Charles E.]

Simon, your video is not viewable.

You may be having the same problem that I had recently embedding videos. Scott helped me out in this thread....

https://www.mandolincafe.com/forum/t...r-embed-videos

[journeybear]

Charley (et al) - Click on the link below the video, a new window will pop up. I'd advise muting first. A word to the wise ...

[Simon DS]

Here’s the vid above:

https://youtube.com/shorts/NV7SVGC3HA8?feature=share

[maxr]

Q: Is it better to buy a fiddle or a cello?

A: A cello - you'll get more beer inside it.

A few years back this nearly came to reality after a Strad cello was left on the player's doorstep, somewhere in California (?) He put it down behind him, unlocked the door, went in and forgot the cello. It got stolen, and ended up in a dumpster (a skip to UK readers). A guy rescued it, and was just about to start a cello shaped cocktail cabinet project when he heard a radio appeal for a lost cello. It was in the press so it must be true...

[maxr]

Here’s the vid above:

https://youtube.com/shorts/NV7SVGC3HA8?feature=share

That's reely good, but it it wouldn't lure me away from mandolin.
Must be a plaice for it.
Etc, Etc,

'sides, is that a banjo or a shamisen?

[journeybear]

It's a shame, is what it is. Don't mean to carp on it, but it's reely harsh. And out of tuna.

Wonder why someone would concoct such a contraption, and then play it, and make a video, and put it on youtube? Just for the halibut? Cod knows!

[OldSausage]

It most closely resembles a Chinese erhu, and I believe he is playing actual Chinese erhu music on it.

[Simon DS]

Erhu’s are tuned in fifth.