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Thread: how much?

  1. #1
    Registered User CeeCee_C's Avatar
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    Default how much?

    I have an acquaintance with two character traits which, when combined, are a real annoyance.. The first is an incredibly short memory. Since he never remembers what I answered the last time he asked, he wants to know what I paid for my instrument, what I think it's worth now, and can he buy it?

    My answer is invariably "it's not for sale.". So then he reverts to questions 1 and 2, to which I reply "i don't recall what i paid and since it's not for sale, its monetary value is irrelevant.".

    It goes around like this until I excuse myself for *any* reason I can think of.

    Anyone have experience dealing with individuals/behaviors like this? I wish i had more insight so I could perhaps stop it without outright rudeness. (I'm aware that he's being rude, but I'd like to take the high road.)

    Why don't I just cut him dead? He's older and a longstanding member of this group. I can't ask anyone in the group for advice, since I'm just a noob.
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  2. #2
    Innocent Bystander JeffD's Avatar
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    Default Re: how much?

    Its nobodies business.

    The two questions I refuse to give a straight answer to:

    How much did you pay for that mandolin?

    "Not as much as I could have."

    How long have you been playing mandolin?

    "A whole lot longer than it sounds."
    A talent for trivializin' the momentous and complicatin' the obvious.

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    Default Re: how much?

    Interesting....I don't have a problem telling friends who ask what I paid for my mandolin. Don't know why it doesn't bother me but then nothing much bothers me anymore; other than Congress.

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  6. #4

    Default Re: how much?

    Everything has it's price. You'll sell if he offers enough.

  7. #5
    Innocent Bystander JeffD's Avatar
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    Default Re: how much?

    Quote Originally Posted by Denny Gies View Post
    Interesting....I don't have a problem telling friends who ask what I paid for my mandolin. Don't know why it doesn't bother me but then nothing much bothers me anymore; other than Congress.
    Well I guess I keep hearing a deeper "agenda" in their voice. I hardly ever hear a clean honest curiosity about how much such a mandolin might cost. Perhaps its my own perception, I have to admit, but I keep expecting to be judged or categorized or summed up by my response.

    Besides which I have always been circumspect about the word getting out as to where the light weight expensive items in carry cases with convenient handles are easily found.

    But isn't the cost of our possessions on that list of things polite people don't talk about in social conversations - sex, religion, politics, salary, weight, age, and the cost of our mandolins.
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  8. #6
    Registered User Tom Sanderson's Avatar
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    Default Re: how much?

    I think you should just be rude to him and get it over with.

  9. #7
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    Default Re: how much?

    I'm with Denny. I'll tell any kindred soul what I paid for the Schmergel Devastator. And I usually do it this way:

    "I paid XXXXX. Now, learn me that lick you just picked on Rawhide."

  10. #8
    Moderator JEStanek's Avatar
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    Default Re: how much?

    Reply with 3X the cost. Increase by 20% each time he repeats the question. Having to do constant math may assuage the irritation. Let us know when you reach Loar prices!

    Jamie
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  12. #9
    Mandolin Botherer Shelagh Moore's Avatar
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    Default Re: how much?

    No need to be rude as you already recognise it's social ineptitude on his part. I'd continue to defer him politely until he gets the message.

  13. #10
    Idiot Savant padawan's Avatar
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    Default Re: how much?

    A little white lie to end the conversation cold: Tell them it was a gift so you neither know the price nor could ever consider selling it.

  14. #11

    Default Re: how much?

    3x the money every time he asks, that might do wonders for his short memory.
    Best/joe

  15. #12
    plectrist Ryk Loske's Avatar
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    Default Re: how much?

    Cee~Cee ....

    I see JeffD's response as the most helpful. I don't subscribe to the "having a beater" mentality. So as my skills and ear have gotten better so have my instruments. I am no where near the level with a mandolin as i am with guitars. But i am definitely not interested in giving anyone ideas.

    Ryk
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  16. #13
    Mando accumulator allenhopkins's Avatar
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    Default Re: how much?

    If your friend's behavior pattern extends to areas other than talking about your mandolin, he's got issues far beyond what you've outlined. ADHD perhaps, Asperger's, early onset Alzheimer's, whatever?

    Developing a "feedback loop" of obsessively repeated questions, failing to remember that they've already been "asked and answered," inability to modify behavior based on fairly obvious cues from others (you act annoyed, dismissive, try to end the conversation -- he doesn't notice); all these things point to perceptual and behavioral challenges.

    Many people we find annoying, really can't help themselves; they're "wired" in such a way that they don't understand that their behavior isn't normal, and aren't able to process the reactions they get from us, so never change that behavior. Understanding this doesn't make them any easier to deal with, but perhaps we can re-strategize our own behavior to avoid repeated instances of annoyance.

    I really think that inability to receive and process cues from others' reactions to us, is incredibly widespread. Read some of the other threads about insensitive behavior in jams, among band members, in many situations. We put it down to people being "jerks," but jerks don't see their actions as jerky, they see them as normal. Your friend obviously neither understands his own behavior, nor your reaction to it.
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  18. #14
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    Default Re: how much?

    I don't know anything about your friend, but it could be the effects of a stroke... They can be kind of mini strokes barely noticable by you and not noticeable at all by the sufferer... I say this because I had one and possibly several mini strokes prior to the big one and asking a question and re-asking again and again was one of my symptoms of damage to one small area of the brain. Even during and after recovery the brain can do that until it rewires itself naturally.

    The victim may realise there is some problem but could be in denial and attempting to make conversation.

    Not a doctor of course... Just a terrible repetitive bore at times. Not a doctor of course... Just a terrible repetitive bore at times.
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    MandolaViola bratsche's Avatar
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    Default Re: how much?

    My thought was the same as Bart's. I have a neighbor who had a mini-stroke a couple years ago, and now when she comes over to ask me questions about a mutual interest subject of ours, she is armed with a pad of paper and pen to write things down. I get the sneaking suspicion sometimes that she has so many pads of paper full of notes at home that she often can't find the right one, so I answer a lot of the same questions multiple times. She realizes there is a problem with a part of her memory, though, and laughs about it (really, what can you do?) My Dad was the same way, writing lots of little things down, after his two mini-strokes and before the big one that put him into a nursing home. (Luckily for him, he is very determined to keep his brain functioning and his mind constantly at work, so he likes to read and learn and discuss new things every day.)

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    Registered User jim simpson's Avatar
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    Default Re: how much?

    It does sound like your friend has some processing issues.
    Never the less, I would make up a little business size card with the following:

    How much did I pay for it? - Nothing, it was a gift.
    What is it worth? - Priceless
    Would you sell it? - Not For Sale!

    I would have enough cards to give him one each time the questions come up.
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  21. #17
    MandolaViola bratsche's Avatar
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    Default Re: how much?

    Quote Originally Posted by JeffD View Post
    But isn't the cost of our possessions on that list of things polite people don't talk about in social conversations - sex, religion, politics, salary, weight, age, and the cost of our mandolins.
    Sometimes also, when a person ages, he or she will lose some of the usual socially-acceptable inhibitions about bringing up such matters, even with complete strangers. I have seen it often.

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  22. #18
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    Default Re: how much?

    "Sometimes also, when a person ages, he or she will lose some of the usual socially-acceptable inhibitions about bringing up such matters, even with complete strangers. I have seen it often."

    And I have seen it in myself, big time... post stroke I found myself with far fewer inhibitions than prior to my stroke.... I figured that I was so close to death that i simply didn't have time for small talk and would rather cut to the chase no matter social norms... And in fact it feels pretty good though I am sure I have caused some funny looks and maybe some hurt feelings. A near death experience kind of does re-arrange your priorities. ANd that is not necessarily a bad thing in my opinion.
    Bart McNeil

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  24. #19
    Scroll Lock Austin Bob's Avatar
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    Default Re: how much?

    Quote Originally Posted by allenhopkins View Post
    If your friend's behavior pattern extends to areas other than talking about your mandolin, he's got issues far beyond what you've outlined. ADHD perhaps, Asperger's, early onset Alzheimer's, whatever?

    Developing a "feedback loop" of obsessively repeated questions, failing to remember that they've already been "asked and answered," inability to modify behavior based on fairly obvious cues from others (you act annoyed, dismissive, try to end the conversation -- he doesn't notice); all these things point to perceptual and behavioral challenges.

    Many people we find annoying, really can't help themselves; they're "wired" in such a way that they don't understand that their behavior isn't normal, and aren't able to process the reactions they get from us, so never change that behavior. Understanding this doesn't make them any easier to deal with, but perhaps we can re-strategize our own behavior to avoid repeated instances of annoyance.

    I really think that inability to receive and process cues from others' reactions to us, is incredibly widespread. Read some of the other threads about insensitive behavior in jams, among band members, in many situations. We put it down to people being "jerks," but jerks don't see their actions as jerky, they see them as normal. Your friend obviously neither understands his own behavior, nor your reaction to it.

    Allen, I think you have a very valid point. My adopted nephew has some of these, as well as other symptoms I won't go into. At first I tried to coach him and use a reward type system to modify his behavior, but he just doesn't "get it." For whatever reason, he is wired a bit differently and there's nothing I can do to change that.

    Each of us has our own set of quirks, but for some they get out of control.
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  25. #20
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    Default Re: how much?

    Quote Originally Posted by AlanN View Post
    I'm with Denny. I'll tell any kindred soul what I paid for the Schmergel Devastator. And I usually do it this way:

    "I paid XXXXX. Now, learn me that lick you just picked on Rawhide."
    No one should have to ask you about the Schmergel. If anyone knows anything about mandolins, they know the base price for a Schmergel is your immortal soul, and they only go up from there. Still, if you ask me, that's a heck of a deal if you can find one for sale.

  26. #21

    Default Re: how much?

    Quote Originally Posted by Alex Orr View Post
    No one should have to ask you about the Schmergel. If anyone knows anything about mandolins, they know the base price for a Schmergel is your immortal soul, and they only go up from there. Still, if you ask me, that's a heck of a deal if you can find one for sale.
    I think you can still get them down at the crossroads.

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  28. #22
    Moderator MikeEdgerton's Avatar
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    Default Re: how much?

    The guy probably bought his last mandolin before most members of the group were born and is just trying to stay current as to what they cost. I don't get crazy about things like this, I just tell them.
    "It's comparable to playing a cheese slicer."
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  29. #23
    Registered User Randi Gormley's Avatar
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    Default Re: how much?

    Barring stroke or dementia, it may just be his way of starting a conversation. Not that that takes the annoyance factor away. I like JIm's idea of a card, which you can hand over with a smile and a "I just made these up in case anybody asked!" In the end, you're polite to the impolite not for them, but for you.
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  30. #24
    F5G & MD305 Astro's Avatar
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    Default Re: how much?

    Have fun with it.

    Tell him you bought it for 5k and will sell it for 10k.

    I'll bet he has a better chance of remembering that.
    No matter where I go, there I am...Unless I'm running a little late.

  31. #25
    Registered User Timbofood's Avatar
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    Default Re: how much?

    There was a guy who kept asking my name for about three years until I started changing it every time, he knew he didn't remember but was too "drifty" to call me on it he finally gave up, you could try that. It takes time for them to catch on but, he will eventually stop. It became kind of a cruel game but, I didn't want to just tell the poor guy off. He finally, for whatever reason, realized what my name was and we got along fine.
    And as for being quirky, how many times do you visit this site in a day, we all have some of the same quirks here!
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